Relationship killers are patterns of behavior that all couples get stuck in from time to time.
Most people don’t know what these relationship traps look like, and therefore can’t avoid them. Below are 3 of the most common relationship killers that I see in my practice. Learn better strategies that will get you more of what you want…
Relationship Killer #1: Arguing About Facts
Arguing about facts is the common trap where one partner disagrees with the other about some minor detail. This minor detail has little to do with finding a resolution, but the argument continues with no one willing to back down.
Example:
Partner A: “You didn’t text me first, I texted you first.”
Partner B: “No, I texted you first, don’t you remember? It was right after I left work because I remember sitting in the car before I left to come home.”
Partner A: “That can’t be right, because I already picked up the kids from your mom’s house and that was at 4:30, so there is no way you were out of work by then.”
This argument plays out for minutes, distracting both partners from the original issue and preventing them from coming to any resolution. I educate my clients to avoid getting trapped in the minor “factual” details of a situation.
I teach them to focus on their partner’s message while trying to understand why they are upset and what type of help/support they need. Try to understand the feelings and unmet needs behind your partner’s statement and avoid the deadly trap of arguing about meaningless “facts.”
Relationship Killer #2: Complaints Instead of Requests
This may be the most common mistake most people in relationships make. We notice something we don’t like about our partner or their behavior. Maybe it’s something they did, something they didn’t do, something they did poorly, or something they said. The usual strategy is to voice our displeasure in the form of a complaint. These complaints only serve to criticize and alienate and do nothing to help use get more of what we want.
Example:
Partner A: “Are you ever going to take care of the garage, or am I just going to have to learn how to deal with a junky mess?”
Partner B: Feels criticized and unappreciated. They think of all the other things they are doing for their partner and for the relationship. This partner now believes their partner does not accept them, does not appreciate them, and does not like them.
Now, if you see your partner like that, how motivated are you to jump up and meet their demand? My guess is not so much.
I help my couples understand that their needs are much more likely to be met when they learn to replace a compliant with a request. By making a request, we help to pull our partner in closer, avoid alienation, keep them engaged, create connection, and get more of what we want.
An example would be changing Partner A’s complaint about the garage to: “It would really mean a lot to me if we could get the garage cleaned up soon.”
This simple change will work wonders, for not only getting the task done, but helping you to feel more supported by your partner. It will improve your relationship in the long-run.
Relationship Killer #3: Giving in to Your Partner’s Negative Perception
Negative perceptions – we all have them, and they all stink.
These negative perceptions are forged by seeing our partner in a negative light because of our experience of their behaviors. We overexaggerate their negative behaviors because we are constantly on the lookout for any action that confirms our negative perception.
The relationship killer comes in when one partner becomes so frustrated with their partner’s negative perception of them, that they give up and stop trying to combat their partner’s perception. A common example is when a husband becomes despondent because of his wife’s perceived constant criticism. The husband thinks that no matter what he does, his wife will never be happy with him, so he simply stops trying to prove her wrong and gives up.
Don’t fall into this trap! If your partner has a negative view of you, don’t just live with it, dispute it by taking action.
I use an exercise with my couples where both partners write down their negative perceptions of the other. They then make two lists of behaviors. One list that would confirm their partner’s negative perception, and the other list that would dispute their partner’s perception. The focus then becomes acting in ways that disputes the partner’s negative perception and slowly begins to shape their view in a more positive light.
If you notice any of these 3 Relationship Killers showing up with your partner, give these tips a try. If these tips don’t rid your relationship of the traps mentioned above, seek professional help. An experienced relationship therapist will be able to help you put these strategies into practice and put your relationship on the right track.
For all your relationship needs please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 to set up your free initial consultation or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
