“What can I do to avoid the countless arguments we get sucked into?” I’ve heard this question more than a few times while working with couples. It never gets old to see the surprised faces of my clients when I tell them there actually is a way to avoid arguments!
The process is quite simple and requires only a couple of prerequisite shifts in thought process and a simple 4-step guide for speaking. If this sounds too good to be true, read on and reap the rewards as you try it with your partner.
New Goals
The underlying goal of speaking with your partner needs to be to make things better. Remember that your partner is not the enemy. In fact, you love them very much and are speaking with them to improve your bond.
Once the goal has been established and agreed upon by both partners, we are almost ready to go. The only other thing we need to remember is to ask our partner if they will speak with us. It can be as simple as “Is this a good time to talk?” If they say no, ask them about a better time and agree to speak when both of you can be fully attentive.
Step 1. What I Experienced
This is where you articulate what you would like to address. Such as: “Yesterday morning you didn’t take out the trash…”
Report on the observable actions you saw/heard your partner take. Be particular and specific.
This is your version of “The Facts and Nothing But the Facts”
This is only what a video camera would see if the scene were being filmed.
Step 2: What I Made Up About It
This is where you state your perception of what happened. This is not in service of “finding the truth” but to show your partner what meaning you have assigned to the issue at hand. Such as: “The meaning I give to this is that you are not responsible and expect others to pick up after you.”
State your ideas/perception of what it meant to you.
This is where your belief system comes in to help you make sense of what happened.
Step 3: How I Feel About It
This is where you own your feelings. Remember that no one “makes you” feel anything, you are in charge of your emotional experience. Such as: “I make myself feel hurt and frustrated. Hurt that you don’t listen to me, and frustrated that I have to pick up the slack.”
Focus on the primary feelings here, joy, pain, fear, shame, guilt, and love.
Take ownership of your emotional experience.
Step 4: What I’d Like Now
This is where you ask for specific behaviors that would help you feel better right now. Such as: “What would help me to feel better is for you to reassure me that you do take this seriously, apologize, and make a real effort to do better about taking out the trash on time.”
This is where you make a request of your partner to help you feel better.
Make sure you state your need in the form of a request and not as a compliant.
Be as specific as you can about what you need from your partner, the more clear the action needed the better.
The great thing about adopting this strategy of talking is that it leaves your partner unable to argue with you. It may sound crazy, but it’s true. If you use this 4-Step process successfully, your partner has no reasonable grounds to argue.
Your partner can’t argue about the facts of what happened in Step 1.
They can’t argue about the meaning you gave it in Step 2.
They certainly can’t argue with you about your own emotional experience in Step 3.
And they definitely can’t argue about what you need from them to feel better in Step 4.
Put it all together to form a dialogue regarding the incident you are trying to resolve. The more you practice this the easier it gets.
If you need help resolving arguments with your partner, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
