I can’t count the number of times couples have sat in my office and taken up their old familiar approach.
They sit on opposite ends of the couch, glaring at each other, each waiting for the other to change their tune. The wife impatiently waits for her husband to blink first and give in to her needs. The husband stubbornly resists and holds out for his wife to crack first. There I am sitting across from them all-the-while knowing what will happen if this doesn’t change.
Out with the Old
If you are waiting for your partner to make changes so you can finally be happy, I have a tip for you. Don’t hold your breath! Chances are they are using the same old failed strategy as the couple I spoke of earlier. While you wait for them to change, they wait for you to change, no one is actually changing, and everyone loses!
I call this antiquated failed strategy “The Standoff.” We lay in waiting for the other to make the first move. They don’t budge, and we get more upset, yet this only reinforces our notion that they need to be taught a lesson, so we wait longer. In all my experience with couples I have never seen a couple stuck in “The Standoff” get a positive result. Plain and simple, it just doesn’t work.
In with the New
The radical new approach I promised is actually quite simple. It goes like this.
Ask yourself the following question: “What can I do for my partner that will help them give me more of what I want?”
Did you get that? Pretty simple huh? What can you do to help your partner give you more of what you want?
The reason I call this a “radical new approach” is that most of us have never thought or acted in accordance with this idea. If I need more from my partner to be truly happy, what can I do for them that makes it easier for them to meet my needs. The more you do for them, the more they do for you. The happier they are, the more likely they are to seek to keep you happy. It’s really that simple.
An Example:
One of the most common complaints from men is that their female partners are not having sex with them as much as they would like. Most of these men are stuck in a standoff where they promise themselves they will wait out their wives and refuse to make the first move. To no one’s surprise these men’s wives aren’t exactly jumping into the bed and begging for sex with their stubborn and distant husbands!
What these men need is a new approach. How can they give their wives more of what they need to make it easier for them to in-turn give the men more of what they want?
A simple discussion about the issue is usually all that is needed. The husband simply has to ask his wife what she needs in order to feel more connected and open to having sex. Women are much more in-tune with their needs and often give very clear answers that can serve as a road map for their men to follow.
Once the husband as the answers/road map from his wife his job is simply to follow the instructions. The more he does for her, the more she will do for him, and everyone wins!
Don’t continue to remain stuck in “The Standoff”, and if you find yourself there try this new and “radical” approach to get your relationship on the right track.
Please remember to call Douglas Counseling for all your relationship needs at (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
