These two words seem entangled in the relationships of distressed couples. Anger is far and away the number one feeling reported in my office. Why is anger so prevalent and such a factor in relationships? The answer is simple, it’s not really anger.
Anger in Disguise
When I hear someone report on how angry they are at their partner, I don’t simply take them at their word. While I do admit that anger is a valid emotion, and I am sure these people are truly feeling angry, they are missing the larger point.
Anger is a secondary feeling. This means that anger does not arise on its own and needs deeper, more primary emotions to precede feeling angry.
The primary feelings that most often cause anger include: feeling hurt, sad, scared, shame, and guilt.
Why We Chose Anger
The reason that most people in relationships chose anger as their “go to” feeling is strength. Showing anger is seen as a sign of strength. If I am mad at you I can ignore the more vulnerable primary feelings and show you my anger to avoid showing you my sadness or hurt.
The Gender Divide with Anger
While both men and women tend to show and report anger much more than other feelings, men are far more likely to fall into this trap. Women are allowed by our society to be vulnerable and to show and speak about the more primary emotions that show up as anger, men are not.
Our society tells men they must be invulnerable, strong, stoic, and unemotional. While anger is an emotion, it is one of the few that men are “allowed” to show without feeling less of a man.
One of the keys for men in reshaping relationships is to understand their anger while developing skills needed to identify and speak about the more primary feelings that often go unnoticed. The more men can speak about their sadness or hurt rather than their anger or frustration, the more their partner can truly understand them.
Anger and Inequality
Relationships work best when each person feels they are on a level playing field with the other. Our partner is seen as no better than us, but no less than us either.
The issue with anger and inequality comes in when one partner uses anger as a way to “go 1 up” on the other. Such as: “I am so pissed at you for not taking me out to dinner on my birthday!” “You know how much I wanted to go but you don’t seem to care!” This statement may be true, but it won’t get you more of what you want. The most likely outcome here is an escalating argument or a shut-down by one or both partners.
Imagine the difference if this same partner avoided anger and used more vulnerable and primary feelings. Such as: “I felt really hurt when we didn’t go out to dinner for my birthday.” “I was really looking forward to going out and I am sad that my feelings didn’t seem to matter.”
The most likely outcome here is for the ‘offending’ spouse to feel an appropriate amount of shame and guilt, but this likely doesn’t escalate to an argument and gives much more of a chance for understanding, empathy, and repair.
Your New Perspective on Anger
The next time you feel angry take a moment to assess what it is really about. Are you mad at your partner for something they did/didn’t do, or are there deeper feelings causing the anger? Take a few minutes to reflect on your more primary emotions and work towards acknowledging them and reporting them. Understanding anger as a secondary emotion has a profound impact on couple’s relationships.
No longer are we stuck in an escalating argument to take the “1 up” position. We can now report our feelings from a place of understanding and ownership that makes life easier for us and our partner.
Act Now
If anger occupies too much space in your relationship, please reach out and get the help you need to put things back on the right track.
Remember to reach out to Douglas Counseling for all your relationship needs by calling us at (561) 207-1903 and visiting us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
