“I guess things could be worse.”
“We hardly have sex at all, but I’ve gotten used to it.”
“Neither of us are happy or fulfilled, but I think we could be worse off.”
“I guess I just don’t expect much anymore, I don’t want a let-down so I keep my hopes in check.”
These are actual statements made by my clients when explaining how they view their marriage.
Can these people really be okay with their relationship? Are they comfortable living their lives in a state of disconnection and unhappiness? I would argue no, after all they did seek out marriage counseling.
In many cases I think people are holding out hope that things can change, but just don’t believe they will. I believe these couples have come to expect so little they are fine with settling for what they have, even if it’s not so good.
When I ask married clients about their needs in a relationship, I’m often met with a blank stare. I see a similar response when inquiring about expectations for a partner in a committed relationship.
This is a far cry from the responses I get with single people looking for love. These singles often have a laundry list of needs and expectations as far as the eye can see. So, what gives? Why does it seem we start out with a whole host of needs and a clear idea of what we expect, yet after we have been married for a few years we just take what we can get and move on?
I believe that what happens to married couples is this:
- They sail through the “honeymoon phase” still filled with hope and high expectations for the relationship.
- Once reality sets in, they realize that their partner is not meeting their needs and their displeasure is voiced.
- Both partners begin to feel that something is missing from their relationship and start to blame, criticize, or stonewall their partner in protest.
- The relationship becomes stuck in a harmful pattern of pointing the finger at the other or checking out of the emotional bond to stay safe individually.
- At some point the partners start to perceive the other spouse as incapable of meeting their needs and often become burned out and accepting of their new (but unwanted) reality.
Once a partner sees their spouse as incapable or unwilling to meet their needs, they make the choice to “just deal with it” and move on. I do not advocate this approach and have seen how bad things can get when a couple goes on for too long without having their needs met. While you may be able to develop a cordial friendship, you will surely not have a happy, fulfilled, and healthy intimate relationship.
Working on a New Path
There is so much to be gained from taking a good hard look at what your needs are in a relationship. When I say needs, I am not talking about things that would be nice, or things that would help you to feel better. I am talking about gaining clarity on what you truly need from your partner to help you feel safe, connected, loved, and supported.
Once you have a clear picture of what you need you must then find a way to communicate these needs to your partner in a direct way. Too often I see couples who sit around waiting for their partner to magically understand what they need, this is a bad idea. Voicing your needs is not being needy, it is not asking too much from your partner, and it is not being co-dependent. Voicing your needs shows maturity and self-awareness, and your partner will greatly appreciate having a road map to guide their actions.
Please don’t fall victim to the trap of lowered expectations and “settling” for less than what you really need to be happy in your marriage. If you have experienced this feeling of settling and feel your needs are not being met, seek counseling immediately before it is too late. Staying stuck in a pattern where neither spouse’s needs are being met will lead directly to disconnection and devastation.
For help with understanding what your relationship needs are, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 and check out the website at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
