“I have tried everything I can think of to get him to change!” “It doesn’t matter what I do, nothing makes a difference to him.”
These are the words of a fed-up wife who feels powerless to effect change in her marriage. She has tried every tactic she can think of to no avail. She has spoken politely requesting change, has become frustrated and demanded action, has acted out aggressively to show her anger, and is now slipping into resigned withdrawal and resentment.
This woman typically shows up at my office looking for more strategies to try on her husband. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but she likely won’t find one. Not because I can’t give her dozens of strategies to use, but because none of them will work. This woman needs to apply the one tactic she has yet to try, she needs to stand up for herself.
The Dilemma
Women in this position truly feel powerless to get what they really want in their marriages. Because they feel powerless they fall victim to the toxic dilemma of Explode or Corrode.
Their behavior vacillates between exploding in fits of anger before resigning themselves to passive withdrawal, which over time causes harmful corrosion to the relationship. These women effectively reach a state of learned helplessness, where they come to believe no matter what they do, their partners won’t budge.
When these women voice their displeasure their husbands often respond with anger of their own accusing their wives of being “critical” or “bitchy.” Men also use the tactic of shutting down and withdrawing further which serves to push the wife to feel more helpless and leads to women voicing their feelings less and less.
Girls in our society are socialized to value connection over voicing their needs. The result is countless women who are unhappy in their relationships, but without the knowledge or skills to stand up and have a voice. This needs to change!
Bottom Line Needs
In many cases the women I work with seem unaware of just how little they are getting from their partner. These women work full time, provide 90% of the childcare, take care of the house, cook the meals, and watch their partners sit around and complain.
I educate these women about the idea of bottom line needs or needs that must be met for them to remain in the relationship. For most women, these are not outlandish needs and usually include being treated as an equal, being treated respectfully, and a request for the husband to become more engaged (physically, emotionally, or both.)
The Only Strategy that Works
When working with women who are stuck in in the Explode or Corrode dilemma I use a 3-step approach. Before using the new approach, I make a point to educate these women that there is much to be gained by sticking up for themselves. I also remind them that that there is much to lose. If they are truly at their wits end with their partner and require change to stay in the relationship, we start the wheels in motion.
Step 1. Report your current thoughts and feelings about the relationship and include what you need to change in a very clear and specific way. Example: “I am feeling so sad and alone right now and I am not willing to settle for this.” “I need you to treat me as an equal, treat me respectfully, and be supportive of my needs emotionally.” (The woman then goes on to give specific examples of how each of these needs can be fulfilled)
Step 2. Report what you will do if your needs are not met. The woman must make sure her partner is aware of what steps she will take if her needs go unmet. Example: “If you are not able to make the changes I need I will be taking the kids and going to stay at my mother’s house.” “I will contact an attorney and will start the process of filing for a formal separation.”
Step 3. Stick to your guns. This is the hardest step to stick to as it often means a major disruption to your/the family’s life. While it may not be easy to stick to your promises, it is critical to show your partner that you mean business and are willing to follow through.
The Outcome
Keep in mind that no matter what you do, you have no control over your partner’s actions. It is important to understand that we are not seeking to control or coerce our partner here. We are simply standing up for ourselves and if our partner is unwilling to take that journey with us, then so be it. The end goal for many of these women stuck in Explode or Corrode is better individual health, regardless of what happens in the relationship.
If you or someone you know is stuck in an unhealthy relationship, please share this article with them. By gaining clarity on your bottom line needs and standing up for yourself you just might be able to effect the change you need to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.
For expert help in getting your relationship turned around call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
