I often hear people talk about their level of self-esteem and how big of an impact it has on their mood, level of motivation, and overall sense of happiness. My contention is that rating our self-esteem can actually be counterproductive. While it is good to live a conscious life and have an idea of how we feel about ourselves, it can be difficult to think about how much our self-esteem varies depending on our situation.
I feel that replacing the idea of an ever-changing rating of self-esteem with Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA) is a far better choice. For starters, there are many advantages of using USA over self-esteem:
- Self-Esteem is ever-changing while Self-Acceptance is constant
- Self-Esteem implies a judgement (which many of us need to avoid) while Self-Acceptance avoids judgement
- Self-Esteem can be impacted by the actions of others while Self-Acceptance cannot
- Self-Esteem is often affected by our environment or the company we keep while Self-Acceptance remains the same despite our situation
The concept of Unconditional Self-Acceptance was made famous by psychologist Dr. Albert Ellis. Dr. Ellis contends that if we are able to shift our focus to finding ways to accept ourselves for who we are, we will be much happier and better able to cope with life’s challenges. USA is in stark contrast to Conditional Self-Acceptance (CSA) which means that we are only able to conditionally accept ourselves. CSA posits that if we are able to meet whatever criteria is set forth either by ourselves or by others, then we can feel good about ourselves and accept ourselves as good and worthy people. The key is changing the idea of conditionally accepting ourselves to unconditionally accepting who we are as a person. By seeing yourself as a worthwhile and valued person, you are able to avoid the pressure to conditionally accept yourself.
The Fix
- Separate who you are from what you have done
- Be aware of your perceived strengths and weaknesses in a non-judgmental manner
- Develop a sense of “self” that reflects your value and worth as a person
- Accept yourself as a unique person
- Avoid judging or rating yourself based off of other’s beliefs or expectations
An important distinction must be made that we see our “self” as who we are at a core level. Our “self” is unchanging and remains the same no matter what types of behaviors or hardships we encounter. Many people I work with have difficulty separating who they are from what they have done, but this must be accomplished to achieve Unconditional Self-Acceptance. We have all engaged in behaviors that we are not proud of and wish we could take back, but I would argue that these negative behaviors do not change who you are at a core level. Your “self” remains the same no matter how positive or negative your behaviors. We are all unique human beings and no one else is exactly like us (and this is good).
By implementing the concept of USA we can achieve a much more steady and healthy view of ourselves, which makes it much easier to feel better about who we are. Obviously, it can be difficult to make these changes on your own and you will likely need professional guidance.
If you are interested in moving away from the idea of self-esteem and towards a more self-accepting way of being, please call (561) 207-1903 or visit www.DouglasCounseling.com to find out more information.
