By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. This day often serves as an opportunity to reflect on your current relationship. Many of you will begin to ask questions about the true state of your relationship.
Am I truly happy in my relationship?
Are things progressing the way I want?
Are there glaring weaknesses that I have overlooked?
Am I getting enough of my needs met to stay?
I advise you to ask yourself these questions and be honest about the answers. If you feel there is room for improvement use the 3-step formula outlined below to get more of what you want.
1. Have the Talk
Far too many couples fall victim to not reflecting on their current bond for fear of rocking the boat. But why? If you are unhappy with the status quo it is your responsibility to voice it. Approaching your partner with unmet needs is far from comfortable but think about the alternative. Are you prepared to continue in a relationship that is void of the absolute necessities?
2. Take Ownership
When addressing your partner keep the focus on yourself. This conversation is about you, not them, so approach it from an ownership perspective. Your needs are yours alone. Keep in mind that your partner may be totally unaware of the missing pieces for you, so take ownership and clue them in. Say “there are several needs that I have that are not being met”, instead of “you are failing to meet my needs and you better do something about it.” By making it about yourself you eliminate the critical and judgmental element that incites defensiveness.
3. Shape Your Relationship
Make sure you follow up your statement of ownership by giving your partner a road map for the future. It is one thing to say you have unmet needs, it is quite another to let your partner know exactly what they can do to remedy the situation. Think about “shaping” your relationship by making requests and stating wishes. “I would really appreciate it if you could show me how much you care about me more often.” “I would love it if you could surprise me with a nice dinner or write me a thoughtful note.”
Keep the focus on what your partner can do and not what they have failed to do. Your end-game here is to get more of your needs met and keeping a positive future focus sure beats living in the past.
What if It Doesn’t Work?
For those of you in solid relationships with only minor defects, the previous strategy will probably work just fine. If you truly give this formula a chance to work and don’t get the desired results it may be time to seek out professional help.
Often couples become stuck in a negative cycle that is almost impossible to exit without the help of a trained relationship therapist. If this is you, don’t wait and seek help immediately. The longer you stay stuck, the longer it takes to get things back on track.
Get the Help You Need
If you would like more information on working with me, please give me a call at (561) 207-1903 and visit the website at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
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