By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Most of us tend to see affairs in a very black and white context. We think that if someone has an affair they must be pathological. We condemn them for taking selfish liberties in their relationship and see them as acting with the explicit intent to hurt their partner.
We often blame the relationship and pick apart what was happening (or not happening) in the bond that could have possibly driven one partner to cheat.
What I find in my work with couples dealing with affairs is actually quite different.
Affairs are like Books, You Can’t Judge Them by their Cover
Most of my clients who chose to have an affair did not do so with the express intent of injuring their partner. The majority of these clients chose to have an affair for reasons which had very little to do with their partner or the state of their relationship.
Searching for the Self
I find that when someone is willing to take a huge risk like having an affair, there is usually something very important missing in their life. Very often these people don’t even realize there is a missing component until they catch a glimpse of it with someone else.
Ask yourself this question: “Would I be willing to pursue missing parts of myself that I desperately want to reconnect with, even if it means possibly hurting my partner?”
For many out there the answer is a resounding Yes! To have a chance to feel truly desired, to feel special, to feel heard, to feel important, and to feel understood is difficult to turn down. For those who have been missing these pieces of themselves for years, the question quickly turns from “How could I do this?”, to “How could I not?”
Please understand that affairs, like books, are often extremely complex and multifaceted. I can’t argue that it is very convenient to simply label someone as “bad”, “selfish”, or “mean.” What I will argue is that unless all factors are accounted for and the reasons for one’s decision are intricately unpacked, we will not have enough knowledge to pass knee-jerk judgements.
Affairs are often very misunderstood, even by some therapists. In order to truly understand what has happened one must make a point to work with an expert who helps couples deal with affairs on a daily basis. If you would like more information about the Affair Recovery services at Douglas Counseling, please give us a call at (561) 207-1903.
