By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
You and your partner have been arguing a lot lately. It has gotten to the point where either of you become triggered so fast it takes almost nothing to set you off. Why are we triggered so fast, and what can we do to stop it?
The Reason
The main reason your fuse has gotten so short is that your mind has started to play tricks on you. You see your partner act in different ways, but they all lead back to the same thing, you feeling upset. The term for this is Confirmation Bias.
Confirmation bias is the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.
How it Works in Real Life
Let’s say that you, the wife, have come to believe that your husband does not care about you, or see you as an equal. As a result, you are on high alert for anything that confirms this belief of inequality and lack of caring. When your husband walks in the door 10 minutes later than promised (and without contacting you to let you know) you lay into him with a fury usually only reserved for the most egregious of crimes.
He is taken aback and triggered because he believes that you are overly sensitive and critical. Now your partner begins to fight fire with fire and launches a counter-attack to remind you of how judgmental and mean you really are.
The fight escalates and to no one’s surprise there are no real winners. We end up with both partners feeling hurt, but also further cementing their negative beliefs about the other. The wife is surer than ever that her partner lacks respect and caring for her and the husband is certain that his wife is a raving lunatic with paper-thin skin.
How to Stop the Madness
The first step of getting unstuck is understanding your triggers. Ask yourself these questions to get some insight into your current beliefs:
- What do I feel is missing from my relationship?
- Are there fundamental unmet needs that I continue to notice? What are they?
- Have I come to see my partner in an unfair light where I only highlight the negative while ignoring the positive?
After getting a better sense of what your triggers are, you need to share them with your partner. For the best results, share them in a way that has you taking ownership and not blaming your partner. For example: “I have noticed myself feeling like we are not equals in many ways, it would mean a lot to me if we could find a way to be on the same plane in our relationship.” “You could help me by including me more on family decisions and working on showing me the same level of respect that you would like to see from me.”
Help them Succeed
Once you have let your partner in on what you feel is missing, make sure you loudly applaud any effort big or small that gets you more of what you want. No gesture is too small to give some positive reinforcement. The more you can freely share what is missing for you, the more you begin to shape your relationship into something that truly works for both of you.
You May Need Help
Many couples have been stuck in this negative cycle for so long that they are hopeless to exit on their own accord. If you feel you have tried everything you can think of and are teetering on the brink of splitting up, or if you would just like to have your relationship run much more smoothly, then please reach out for expert guidance.
Douglas Counseling can be reached at (561) 207-1903 and feel free to learn more about our services at www.DouglasCounseling.com
