By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Privileged obliviousness comes in many forms, so I’ll give you a couple of examples I see in my practice.
Example #1:
A wife has been dealing with two angry toddlers for the last 10 hours and is struggling to feed them dinner. Just then her husband walks in the door, steps over the many toys strewn all over the floor, walks up and kisses his wife on the head. He then proceeds to go straight to the couch, plops down, and asks what they are having for dinner later.
Example #2:
It’s Thanksgiving and a couple has traveled to a relative’s house to celebrate. Upon arrival the women congregate in the kitchen busily preparing the dishes for the big meal. The men pour themselves a drink and plop down in front of the television to chat and catch up on the football game.
The women reading this are probably nodding their heads in appreciation for the struggles the wife is dealing with. How many of you ladies have been there?
The men reading this article are probably thinking “what’s so bad about that?”
This is the Problem!
The fact that many men are not able to understand why there is a problem here is virtually the definition of privileged obliviousness.
A Tale of Two Genders
Men for centuries have enjoyed the privilege to engage with their families when they want and to disconnect when they want. Women’s involvement in family life (and in the realm of relationships) has always been implied, men’s involvement has been discretionary.
While women have greatly changed their expectations of their partners, many men have not. Today women are expecting a greater level of involvement from their male partners in the relationship, in the house, and with the family. This is good! Men increasing their level of involvement helps everyone and models a more equal and connected relationship that can turn the tide for the next generation.
A New Mindset
If you don’t change how you see it, you won’t change how you do it. Behavioral change follows a change in beliefs and men need to adopt a new mindset to rid themselves of old mistakes.
The new mindset can include (but is not limited) to these ideas:
- I (the man) am not above my partner. I am simply equal to her and need to see myself as a partner who can lighten the load for my spouse.
- My family benefits from me being engage and connected as much as possible.
- My parenting is no less important than my partner’s.
- If my partner and I are both at home, we need to share in the household work.
- If my partner is working, I need to be working.
- It is my responsibility to share the work in the relationship, parenting, planning and chores.
- When my wife is out of the house and I am home with the kids I am parenting, not babysitting.
- I can do everything my wife can do with the kids. We can become interchangeable parts that allow each other to go away and not have the whole system fall apart.
By adopting these new ideas, we can shed ourselves of the privileged obliviousness that if gone unchecked can ruin our relationships.
If you are a woman in need of a more equal and engaged partner, or if you are a man who wants to live a more connected life but doesn’t know how, we can help. Please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 for more information.
