By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
I (like most of you I imagine) was saddened by the recent news from El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio. More mass shootings leaving dozens of innocent people dead. I wish I could say that I’m shocked by this but honestly, I’m not shocked at all. This type of violence happens all too frequently in our country and needs desperately to be addressed.
Much of the conversation about stopping these senseless crimes starts with calls for gun law reform. While this undoubtedly needs to be addressed, I thought about another conversation that no one seems to be having.
Why are the perpetrators of these mass shootings exclusively men?
Patterns in the Perpetrators
When I heard there was a mass shooting, I first thought of who was responsible. At the time I had heard no reports on the news about who the shooter was, but I had already formed a belief about who this was. Sadly, there was little doubt in my mind it was a man. But why? How could I be so sure that these killers were men and not women? Another question came to my mind. Why don’t we see more women commit these types of violent crimes?
Early Grooming
Men and violence far too often come as a pair. Boys are socialized in our society to be strong, tough, competitive, unemotional, and “better-than”. Strength, toughness, and competitiveness are not characteristics I would universally label has negative. They all have their place and need to be exercised at times. Thinking you are “better-than” is the real problem.
The reason I believe women are so unlikely to commit such acts of violence is simply because they follow a different social script. Girls in our largely patriarchal society believe from an early age that they are not equals to their male counterparts. Girls are willing to accept feeling “less-than” and don’t feel the need to act out violently to feel better.
Simply stated, girls are much better at dealing with their feelings because they are socialized to do so, boys are not.
How Some Men Think
The idea of being “better-than” others is installed in our men from a young age. Boys are taught to judge themselves by how they stack up with others. Am I better at soccer than you are? Am I a faster runner than you? Can I throw the football farther and more accurately than you? Am I bigger than you? Smarter than you? Stronger than you? Etc.
If the boy answers yes to all (or most) of these questions he will feel “better-than” which equates to feeling worth or value. If the answer is a resounding no, he feels “less-than” and thus little to no worth or value.
Men and boys who feel they are inferior to their peers and consistently on the “less-than” end of the comparison feel like victims. This is where the trouble starts.
What Happens Next?
Once a man sees himself as the victim, all bets are off. Most violent offenders feel like they are in the role of victim. Maybe this matches reality and maybe it doesn’t, but objective reality doesn’t really factor in here. One might (unconsciously) operate from this script: “If I feel like a victim and “less-than” others it must be true!”
Feeling like a victim breeds feelings of shame and worthlessness that can seem all-consuming. Shame is often referred to as the ‘master emotion’ and with good reason. Feeling shame is one of the most difficult emotions to deal with. Now imagine that you were socialized to avoid dealing with feelings and suddenly feel intense shame. What would you do?
What most men do here is take the flight from shame to grandiosity.
The Flight out of Shame
Many men reason like this:
If you feel “less-than” a great way to avoid the pain is to feel “better-than.”
These men see things in very binary way. “If I feel bad the best antidote is to feel good.” If a young white man believes that immigrants are entering the country to oppress him, he feels like a victim. In order to avoid feeling the intense shame, he acts out and takes the flight out of shame into grandiosity.
The Remedy to Shame
I teach the men in my practice how to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth. This definition of self-worth is based on everyone being on the same level. You are no better and no worse than me. You have no more or no less worth or value than I do. We are all equal.
The worth and value you enjoy at birth cannot be added to by great achievement and cannot be subtracted from by unhealthy comparisons. If we can begin to see ourselves on the same level as everyone else, we can bypass the need to compare, judge, and act out violently due to feeling shame.
Teach Boys to Talk!
When boys begin to feel “less-than” and shame rears it’s ugly head we need to encourage them to talk about how they feel. We need to destigmatize boys showing emotion and talking about how they feel. We as parents can create a safe space for our sons to talk about negative feelings and where they came from. If we can make this shift in our society, I am sure we will see less violent crimes fueled by shame and victimhood.
For more information about how to teach boys to grow into healthy, kind, strong, and caring men, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
