By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
“I caught him watching porn for the second time this week, if he keeps this up it will ruin our relationship!”
The advent of the internet has introduced a whole new issue for couples to negotiate: Porn.
Is Porn the Problem?
This is a critical question I ask myself when working with a couple, and the answer may not be as straightforward as you think.
So, a wife has dragged her husband in for couples counseling, and amidst her many gripes is the fact that she knows he watches porn. She knows because she has caught him on several occasions and let him know just how unhappy she is about this choice. Her stance is that porn is getting in the way, but is this always the case?
How You See Porn Matters
Do you believe that your partner watching porn is the culprit for your disconnected sexual relationship? If so, you will villainize porn as a whole and only see the negatives associated with it.
What if the real issue is a disconnect in your relationship and in your sex life and porn has been used to fill the gaps? This type of thinking would lead you down a much more open-minded path.
How Women View Porn
Many women consider their partners watching porn as a betrayal. They take their partner’s actions in a personal way and become offended on several levels. Some of their concerns include the following:
• He is basically having sex with another woman! (“I can’t believe he would betray me like this!”)
• This must be the type of sex he really wants! – (“I could never do that!”)
• Does he really expect me to look like that after 3 kids? (“I’ll never look like that, and if I don’t, he won’t be attracted to me!”)
• He is picking watching porn over being with me! (“I’m hopeless to compete with some sexual fantasy!”)
While many women view porn as having sex, most men view porn as masturbating.
Why Men Watch Porn
There are many reasons men watch porn. Most men simply use porn as a means to an end. Men watch porn with the intent of masturbating and feeling some sexual satisfaction and relief. I am a firm believer in the idea that anything we do repeatedly must be supplying us with some benefit, or we wouldn’t keep doing it. So, what are the less obvious benefits from watching porn?
What Men get from Porn that they Don’t Get in their Relationships
A question I often ask is this: “What does porn offer you that your partnered relationship does not?”
The responses from the question are often wide-ranging, but the following responses are some of the most common:
• “I get to be in control the interaction.”
• “The women (or men) on the screen are always in the mood for sex.”
• “I don’t have to worry about them being tired, or bloated, or feeling bad about their bodies.”
• “The women on the screen are always eager to please and don’t make me feel bad or dirty about wanting/having sex.”
• “I never have performance anxiety with porn.” “I don’t have to worry about disappointing the other.”
So, you can see that porn can provide many men with a safe place to be powerful, in control, assertive, and confident about their sexual selves. Is this inherently bad? I think the overwhelming answer is no.
Should I be Worried?
Whether or not you should be worried about your partner watching porn depends on several factors and is not always so easy to answer. If your partner spends an inordinate amount of time watching porn and your relationship has suffered as a result, there is likely an issue. But what exactly is the issue? This is what we need to find out.
Start the Conversation
The best thing you can do to uncover the truth is to have rich, multilayered conversations with your partner about their use of porn and sex in general.
Approach them from a non-judgmental stance and be curious about the benefits they receive from porn. If you approach them from a place of condemnation you can be assured nothing will be learned.
Start a dialogue about sex and learn what they would like more of in your sexual relationship. Ask them about the meaning they derive from sex. How do they view sex? What have they been afraid to share with you about their desires and longings? What does sex offer them that no other realm of life can provide? Is sex a place to feel connected to one’s self or to the other?
These are the types of questions that can open up new space for connection and intimacy. Don’t let it all be one-sided. Share with them your ideas about sex and what it means to you. The ability to have an ongoing conversation about sex is one of the most important gifts we can give to each other in a long-term committed relationship.
You May Need a Guide
Most of us are very uncomfortable starting conversations about sex, so we often avoid it and continue to be unhappy. Don’t feel bad about speaking to a professional about how you can shift your sex life to be fulfilling, that’s what we are here for! If you would like help navigating these types of conversations, please give Douglas Counseling a call at (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com
