By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
This is the first installment of a 3 part series on Self-Esteem. Learn about the unhealthy criteria we use to rate ourselves and how to make the shift to consistently feel a high level of worth and value. FYI, in the following series I will use the terms Self-Esteem and Self-Worth interchangeably because to me they are the same thing.
Part 1: What’s Your Number?
On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being lowest and 10 highest) where would you rate your current level of self-esteem or self-worth?Once you have your number, ask yourself: How did I arrive at this number?
What criteria did you factor in to determine your current level of self-esteem/worth?
Unhealthy Ways to Rate Worth
Most people factor in things like how well their career is going, their current relationship status, how happy their friends seem to be with them, and maybe the health of their investment accounts. While these are completely typical responses, they are an extremely unhealthy way to determine one’s worth!
Most of us subscribe to the 3 most common forms of unhealthy self-esteem:
1. Performance-Based Esteem: “I have worth because of what I can do.”
2. Other-Based Esteem: “I have worth because you think I do.”
3. Attribute-Based Esteem: “I have worth because of what I have.”
While striving to perform well, establishing relationships, and building wealth are all fine goals, they are also a dangerous way to determine our worth.
Why is it so dangerous to use this type of criteria?
The main reason is that we don’t have ultimate control over the outcomes of these goals. Consider the following examples:
Performance-Based: You work long hours trying to get ahead and advance in your career, only to be let go due to corporate restructuring.
Other-Based: You work hard to build good relationships, only to have others turn cold and unapproving for no apparent reason.
Attribute-Based: You work hard to save and set yourself up for financial success, only to have the bottom drop out of the market.
The Common Thread
In all 3 of these examples you have no outright control over the outcome! You worked hard but, in each scenario, you found yourself falling short of the goal of success. The issue here is that we have outsourced our sense of self! If things around us are steady and mostly positive, we can feel good. But what happens when things don’t go so well? You guessed it, we see ourselves as less worthy and our self-esteem plummets. Most of us tend to become very self-critical when things don’t go as planned and our self-esteem takes a hit. Part 2 of my serious on Self-Esteem tackles the issue of self-judgement, so stay tuned!!
Remember to give Douglas Counseling a call at (561) 207-1903 and check us out online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
