By Greg Douglas, LMHC
What would you guess is the number 1 issue for most couples who seek counseling?
Many of you may say lack of trust, lack of respect, lack of love, lack of intimacy, or lack of time together. While these are all good guesses, and they are common problems, they are not at the core of the disconnection.
It’s All About Safety
If you think about building a relationship like you would build a house, you must first lay the foundation. If the foundation is flawed, the rest of the house will be compromised. You may not notice the issues at first, but just wait and allow the years to pile up. Sooner or later you will begin to see problems.
Relationships, like houses, require a solid foundation and that foundation is safety.
Safety is so important that I would feel confident listing it as the most important piece of any relationship. If you don’t feel safe with someone you can’t be close to that person, you can’t open up to them, and you can’t be vulnerable with them.
Can you trust someone you don’t feel safe with? Of course not!
Can you feel respected by someone you don’t feel safe with? No chance!
Unmet Needs
I ask my couples at the beginning stages of therapy what is missing from their relationships. I frame the missing pieces as unmet needs and ask each partner to give a list. While each partner comes up with different unmet needs, I can almost always trace the unmet need to a core lack of safety.
For example:
• Having trust as an unmet need leads back to not feeling safe enough with your partner to trust them.
• Having lack of intimacy as an unmet need is traced back to not feeling safe enough to allow yourself to be close.
• Lack of respect is easily traced back to not feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and treating our partner badly to avoid feeling weak.
The list could go on and on forever, but I bet you are starting to see the point. Safety is a necessity in healthy relationships.
How To Create Safety in Your Relationship
There are many ways to work on creating safety in your relationship. Here are some of the same tips I give my therapy clients.
1. Consistently show your partner that you are safe. Show them you are physically safe by treating them with respect and kindness. Show then you are emotionally safe by being engaged and responsive to their thoughts, feelings, and needs.
2. Show up for your partner when they need you most. Make sure your actions match your priorities. If your partner and family come first, make sure your actions match this. I have heard too many stories of partners who really needed their mate to be there for them, and the were unreachable or chose to avoid the situation.
3. Strive for open and honest communication. If you think something is relevant to your relationship, you better be talking about it. The more your partner knows you, the safer they can feel.
4. Build safety through trust. Make sure that your partner has a long history of memories where your actions matched up with your words. If you say you are going out to have a few drinks and will be back by 11pm, do it! If you say you will call and check in with your partner when your flight lands, do it! You are always building a perception of yourself in your partner’s mind, make sure that perception is one you can be proud of.
Reaching Out for Help
If you have been feeling a lack of safety with your partner for some time, it is probably time to get some professional help. Chances are that you have become stuck in a cycle or pattern with your partner that is creating more conflict, distance, and a lack of safety.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples get unstuck from their negative patterns and work towards achieving safety and satisfaction in their relationships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
