By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
You have recently uncovered an affair in your relationship. Your mind is racing a thousand miles an hour and to make matters worse, your emotions are all over the place. Dozens of questions fly through your mind on a minute by minute basis.
Can I really stay in a relationship that is void of trust? How can I know that my partner won’t hurt me like this again? Is it possible to just move on without getting the details of what happened? How could my partner do this to me? Could any of this actually be my fault?
While the questions above are important to address, the one that stands out more than any other is: “Should I stay in the relationship or leave?”
Looking Back
A great exercise to start is to look at how your relationship over the course of time. Do your best and objectively evaluate your relationship. This is difficult when emotions are running high and your view of the relationship has been skewed by the recent affair. Try your best to give the relationship a fair and honest assessment. Ask yourself some of the following questions:
Have you had happy times with your partner?
Did you have love, caring, support and engagement on a consistent basis?
Was your relationship mutually beneficial with somewhat equal power dynamics?
Were the majority of your “bottom line needs” being met regularly?
If you begin to look back and see a relationship that was largely positive and healthy, your decision warrants close consideration. If however, you look back and objectively see a pattern of neglect, lack of engagement, selfishness and hurt feelings, you will want to be careful about moving too quickly towards repair.
Practical Considerations
You must be honest with yourself about the practical/logistical considerations about leaving the relationship. There are so many things to think about including children, finances, living arrangements, career implications and so on. While I would not advise anyone to remain in an unhealthy relationship just for their children’s sake or to keep their current standard of living, these are important areas to consider.
What About the Kids?
For those of you with children, the decision to stay or leave is made even more difficult. Many of my clients have come to accept that staying in the marriage for the sake of the children is the best thing to do. While this may be the case for many, it may not be the best decision for everyone. Perhaps the most important gift we can give our children is to model what healthy relationship looks like. Whether that model is both parents in the home modeling a loving relationship, or two parents living apart and co-parenting in a mature and kind way.
Isn’t it Shameful to Stay?
In our current age of self-empowerment, the default setting for many people is to take the stance that they are somehow “less-than” or “not strong enough” if they choose to stay with the unfaithful partner. I don’t agree with this, or any other blanket statement, about what is best for one is best for all. Each situation must be evaluated on an individual basis and right decision for one, may not equal the right decision for another.
I would never advise a client to simply make a decision on what allowed them to take the perceived “upper ground” or allowed them to avoid painful feelings. Making the decision to stay actually requires immense strength from the hurt partner. In my opinion the idea that staying in the relationship equals admitting personal defeat is utterly absurd.
Is Your Partner Truly Remorseful?
Has your straying partner has shown you that they are indeed extremely remorseful? Have they offered up a heartfelt apology? The best way to gauge whether your partner is truly remorseful is to watch what they do, not what they say. The injuring partner must take up the role of the vigilante for the relationship. This means they must make efforts to show you they are sincere about repair, showing transparency, and providing safety.
No Need to Rush
I advise my Affair Recovery clients to avoid making a firm decision about their relationship in the first 90 days after an affair is uncovered. In many cases I will push for them to take more time before making any final decisions. It is simply too hard for us to take an objective look at our relationship when our emotional state is so volatile. After the first few months have passed, you will likely be more capable of being objective, rational, and thoughtful about your choice.
Get Professional Help
I would advise you to seek out professional help when faced with this extremely important decision. Speaking with an expert therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery will allow you to gain the necessary perspective to make an informed decision
Douglas Counseling specializes in Affair Recovery and we have helped hundreds of couples heal from the devastating impact of affairs and betrayals.
If you would like more information on the Affair Recovery Program or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
