By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Your partner just told you they want a divorce. You feel devastated and worried about the future. Maybe this has come out of the blue, or maybe you aren’t that surprised. In either case you don’t want to get divorced. What you do now is critical. By implementing the following tips and getting help from a relationship expert, you give yourself a chance to save the marriage.
Tip #1: Stay Grounded and Don’t Chase
Many partners hear their spouse bring up divorce and launch an all-out pursuit in order to get them to change their mind. In my experience this pursuing tactic rarely works, and in many cases actually pushes the learning out partner further away.
Try this: Instead of pursuing or chasing after your partner I suggest you hold your ground. If you want to save the relationship let them know this is your intent. Find a healthy balance of not pursing or distancing and simply remain engaged in a kind and respectful way.
Tip #2: Change Yourself
It is all too easy to look at your partner’s faults as the reasons for your relationship’s distress or demise. This won’t help you now as your partner is ready to leave the relationship and likely won’t be willing to accept blame/criticism.
Try this: Take a good hard look at your partner’s gripes about you. Do your best to uncover how you have contributed to any issues within the relationship. You may need to see a couples counselor individually to help you take responsibility for your part of the problem and make a plan for individual change. Once you start taking ownership for your contributions to the issues, you can begin the process of change and growth.
Tip #3: Take Massive Action
Many people fall into a state of despair when they think their relationship is over. If you do this, you are all but sealing your fate! Many leaning out partners have developed a Core Negative Image (CNI) of you and no amount of words or promises will disprove their thinking.
Try this: What you need now is an action plan that will show your partner a totally different side of you. If before they complained that you were uncaring or distracted, show them a caring, nurturing, and thoughtful person who is willing to engage. Half-measures will not work here, you need to take massive action and you need to do it now!
Tip #4: Stay the Course, Process not Outcome
Maybe you have promised you will change or maybe you have even started to make changes to your behavior. Do not expect that in a matter of days your partner will swoon in your arms and shift from their previous position. Changing someone’s perspective takes time and the key ingredients are a solid plan, consistent motivation, and energy. In order to achieve that energy, you can’t be constantly focused on the lack of response you are getting from your partner.
Try this: Keep your focus on your plan and on your actions. A good way to think of this is process rather than outcome. If you can continue to focus on the process of doing what needs to be done to repair and save your relationship, you give yourself the best possible chance to meet this goal.
Tip #5: Live Your Own Life
It can be incredibly easy to forget about yourself when trying to save your relationship. Many people spend much of their time focused on how to change their partner’s mind. Author Esther Perel writes that “fire needs air” which to me says sometimes distance is needed to create desire.
Try this: I advise you to focus on living your own life and making sure your needs as an individual are being met. Are you taking care of yourself physically? Have you made your mental health a top priority? Are you meeting up with your friends and keeping your social network strong? If not, make sure to so this. Often your partner will notice your newfound zest for life, and this may serve to build desire that they once believed was lost forever.
Reaching Out for Help
If you have just found out that your partner is looking to leave, try the strategies outlined above. I also highly recommend setting up an appointment with a relationship expert that can help guide you through this difficult process.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
