By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Your Man is Thinking (Series)
This article is the first in a new series entitled “Your Man is Thinking.” In this new series I want to educate women on how the minds of their male partners work while giving each partner new strategies, tools, and mindsets to move past defensiveness and reconnect. The following article focuses on a common problem I see in couples. The female partner has serious unmet needs in the relationship and when trying to address these needs, their male partner becomes defensive and the relationship suffers. Enjoy!
I Just Can’t Win
If I had to pick the most popular quote issued by male partners in my practice, this one would be hard to beat. “It doesn’t matter what I do it’s not good enough!” The phrase comes in slightly different forms, but no matter the form, the message remains the same. Many men see themselves as failing in their partner’s eyes and if your partner has recently uttered these words, beware that they may be close to the point of giving up.
A Glimpse Inside the Male Mind
Most men are driven by competition. If these men believe they are competing well and coming out on the “winning side,” they will feel good about themselves. On the flip side, if these men see themselves as “losing” they will feel less-than and inadequate.
If you view the world in a very black and white way where there is only winning and losing, you are setting yourself up for a bumpy ride. This is how most men think. They think their partners are either happy with them (noted by the absence of conflict), or unhappy with them (noted by their partner’s complaints), with nothing in between.
Your Man is Thinking: “If my partner complains about me in any form, she disapproves of me.”
Most men have difficult separating their partner’s complaints about their behavior (or lack thereof) and who they are as a person. The thinking goes like this: If you are unhappy with something I have done or failed to do, you are unhappy with me.
What Needs to Happen: A Prescription for Each Partner
Ladies First
Women: You need a thoughtful approach that gives you the best chance to get your needs met. Allow the following to guide your actions.
- Do your best to help your man feel sincerely appreciated.
- Do your best to show your partner that you can see the difference between their behavior and who they are as a man.
- Do your best to make requests of your man where you take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Here is a real-life example: Let’s say you would like more help around the house and have been feeling like you are the only one willing to take on the household tasks.
Try an approach like this: “I know you have been working long hours and I really appreciate your commitment to providing for our family.” “Sometimes when I feel like the only one working hard around the house at night, I feel lonely and overwhelmed.” “I would love it if you could work on helping me out a bit more around the house in the evenings.”
Imagine how your male partner might take this in much differently than if he was to hear another complaint about how little he does around the house?
Alright Guys, It’s Your Turn
Men: Your ability to listen in without being triggered is paramount. Try the following tips.
- Do you best to listen in and work on understanding your partner’s position.
- Do your best to see that she is mostly upset with your behavior, which you can change!
- Do your best to follow through with her request.
So, you have just heard your partner say she feels lonely and overwhelmed with nightly chores. You have a chance to respond and need to make the most of it. Let’s incorporate the ideas listed above and craft a response that moves you both forward.
Here’s what you say: “I can see how you get to the point of feeling lonely and overwhelmed.” “The work around here never seems to stop.” “I do often space out after a long day at the office and don’t always think about how much there still is to do.” “I will make a concerted effort to help you out more and pay more attention to what needs to be done in the evenings.”
Think about how your partner will react to this type of statement. She will likely be surprised to hear you take ownership of your actions and will probably be elated to not have you offer a rebuttal or get defensive. Make sure to follow through with the behavior changes your partner requested, and congratulations, you have just moved your relationship forward!
Can I Really Do This?
Many people think that operating like the above examples is too far-fetched and unrealistic. It’s not! I have taught hundreds of people just like you to learn the skills needed to not only improve your communication, but to transform your relationship. If you are tired of trying to get your male partner to make changes or are tired of feeling like no matter what you do, it won’t be good enough, you have come to the right place.
Give us a call at Douglas Counseling and get started on the path to a better relationship.
Douglas Counseling offers free phone consultations, so call (561) 207-1903 to get started!
Find us on the web at DouglasCounseling.com
