By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
You, the injured spouse, have recently found out that your partner has been unfaithful. Your thinking shifts into overdrive trying to figure out why this has happened. Countless questions form in your mind and you desperately need answers from your partner.
You, the injuring spouse, feel awful about hurting your partner and desperately want to heal your relationship. You grapple with the decision to open up more about what has happened, but fear that answering more questions will lead to more devastation for your marriage.
What Do You Do?
The first thing you need to know is that all questions are not created equally. In my mind there are two types of questions when dealing with affairs. The first type is the question that speaks to what happened. Asking about what happened includes the logistics of what took place in the affair or betrayal. Typical questions include: Who was it? How many times did you see them? Where did you meet? Did you have sex with them? When did you meet?
When you have been betrayed you want to know the facts. Gaining knowledge about the actions your partner took can help to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle. The questions surrounding what happened do shed light on what took place, yet they provide little to no insight as to why this happened.
The second type of question speaks to why it happened. Typical questions include: Why did you chose to have an affair? What was going on for you that led you to act? Did you have unmet needs in our relationship? Did you feel differently about yourself with them versus with me?
The more you know about why it happened, the more perspective and understanding you gain about your partner’s actions. Keep in mind that understanding does not equal condoning but learning more about your partner’s inner experience that led them to stray is a crucial component in the healing process.
How to Ask Your Questions
The injured partner must fight to contain extremely difficult emotions, so do your best to remain calm. If your line of questioning becomes too heated or critical you can do more damage to your already shaky bond.
Start by asking yourself this question: If I get the answer to this question how does it help me?
Does knowing exactly how many times your partner had sex with their affair partner help to move you along in the healing process? While a question like this may give you a better idea of what has taken place, it will not help in understanding why it took place.
Allow the Injured Partner to Lead
If the injured partner has put thought into asking a question and has made the decision they want to know the answer, your best bet as the injuring partner is to comply and answer them.
Your answer may hurt, it may cause more damage, but your previous actions of infidelity opened the door and it’s not your right to slam it shut. Refusing to answer questions and taking the stance that your partner should “just move on” creates a power imbalance. You know the answer and are choosing to keep it from your partner. This doesn’t send a positive message and likely will lead to further relationship erosion.
By All Means, Get Help!!
“I wish we had come in to see you as soon as I found out about the affair!” “We would be so far ahead of where we are now!”
I have heard way too many clients report this message. Either they didn’t get help at all, or they waited until too much damage had been done and the relationship was almost irreparable.
Affairs are complicated and recovering from them requires expert guidance. If you or someone you know has been struggling to recover from a recent or past infidelity, please share this article with them and urge them to reach out for help. Their marriage may depend on it.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples recover from affairs. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
