By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Whose needs are more important, your partner’s or your kids?
Two or more generations ago this would have been easily answered. The simple answer would have been that the relationship needs would be first and the needs of the children come after. Fast-forward to the 21st century and things aren’t quite the same.
Many parents build their lives around work schedules, kid’s activities, extended family visits, social gatherings and the odd family vacation. While all these areas are important, we are forgetting the most important area of all Your Marriage!
For those of you that feel your marriage has lost out to the needs of your kids, pay close attention to the following tips as they just might right the ship and put your marriage back on solid ground.
Tip #1 Your Marriage Is the Priority
I have probably heard the following statement at least a hundred times: “Well, you know how it goes, once you have kids they come first.”
I completely disagree with this statement. The strength of your marriage is actually the first priority and the needs of your children come second. I believe that by prioritizing your marriage above your kid’s needs you are providing tons of benefits.
- The stronger your marriage is the less likely you are to get divorced, which we know has a huge negative impact on kids.
- Showing your children a model of what a healthy relationship looks like is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
- Prioritizing your marriage also steers you away from “Hyper-Parenting” which reinforces the idea that your kids are running the show and your main purpose is to meet their every need.
Tip #2: Your Kids Need a Bedtime
I’ve made my fair share of parenting mistakes but making sure my kids have a bedtime and a solid routine is not one of them. Having a solid and consistent bedtime routine and boundaries around bedtime and sleeping is critical. Way too many parents are overly lax with sending kids to bed and others end up allowing kids to sleep in their room, or even their bed!
There are few things that kill a couple’s sex life like allowing your child to sleep in your room or your bed. Just refuse to do it! It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for them.
Another reason a bedtime routine is so helpful is that it sets an expectation and will eventually allow you to avoid the fighting and fussing about having to go to bed. If your kids have to do it every night at the same time, they will eventually come to accept their fate. This means more time for you and your partner to talk and reconnect.
I am always astonished when I hear of parents reports of spending hours each day trying to get their kids to bed! Hours! If you spend 90 minutes each day trying to get your child to bed you are spending 32,850 minutes or 547.5 hours or the equivalent of 22 days each year!
Think of what you could do with all of that extra time. Imagine how much more time you could spend with your spouse. Making sure your kids have a solid routine creates space for you and your marriage, so do it!
Tip #3: Restore the Balance
Time is in short supply when raising a family today, no question about it. We only have so much time and so much to do. The idea of restoring balance means that all family members are important. All family members have needs and each requires adequate time to meet those needs.
I hear stories of parents whose child plays on a travel sports team or competition group. Many parents spend the majority of their weekends traveling across the state (and sometimes across the country) to watch their child compete. While there is nothing wrong with having a talented and committed child, you have to ask yourself at some point whether all of this time, money, and sacrifice is worth it?
The reality is that almost none of these kids will become professional athletes, and a fairly low percentage will even play for their college team or earn a scholarship. Is it worth sacrificing your precious time as a married couple to watch your child chase an athletic dream that has almost no chance of coming true? I think not, but you have to make the decision for yourself.
Restoring the balance in your family reminds us that parents have needs too. If you watch your child play soccer for 6 hours per week, but struggle to find the time to play tennis for 2 hours once a month, you need to restore the balance.
Tip #4: Set Boundaries for Your Marriage
Do you allow your children to interrupt your conversations with your spouse?
Does your child invade your bedroom without blinking and take up residence like they own the place?
Do you drop what you are doing to cater to your child’s every whim?
Do you find yourself watching princess movies and SpongeBob on your family TV when you would rather be watching the news or checking the latest sports scores?
If so, let’s talk about setting some boundaries that can help.
Start by letting your children know that you need your own space and time as a couple. When they try to interrupt, kindly redirect them to come back later as you are talking as adults. Let them know their needs matter, but unless they are extremely pressing, they can wait.
Set physical boundaries with the children. Example: Let them know that when the door is closed to your room, they must knock and ask permission before coming in.
Help your children learn the difference between wants and needs. Your child may really want to share their latest video game conquest with you right now, but this is not a need. Let them know that you are interested and give them a time when you are available to listen.
The better you become at setting boundaries, the easier your life will be and the payoff is more time and energy for your partner!
How Douglas Counseling Can Help
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples build solid relationships. If you need help restoring the balance in your relationship please call to set up a free consultation.
If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
