By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
“It doesn’t matter what I do, things are never going to change!”
“I’ve tried everything I can think of, but nothing seems to make any difference!”
Your relationship is stuck. Maybe you’d like more closeness and connection, less arguments, or just more positive interactions. You feel like you have tried every trick in the book to get more of what you want or need from your partner, but nothing has worked. What’s going on here?
The Reason You’re Stuck
The answer to why most couples are stuck has less to do with their dialogue and more to do with their pattern of interacting. This pattern represents a specific set of actions and responses that gets played out in all relationships.
A Perfect Example: Jason and Sofia
Sofia and Jason have been married for 10 years and have two young children ages 4 and 2. This couple came to counseling after reports of increased arguments that have left each partner feeling disconnected.
Sofia’s main complaints surrounded wanting to spend more time with Jason, getting more support from him with the kids, and feeling closer and more connected. Jason complains of feeling overly criticized and wishes Sofia would use a “different tone” when speaking to him.
Their Pattern
When Sofia feels disconnected from Jason or needs more support with the kids she tends to speak out from a place of frustration and anger. Jason sees this and feels criticized and unaccepted. Jason withdraws further from Sofia to feel better and Sofia becomes even more upset as she feels distant to begin with! This is a classic “pursuer – withdrawer” pattern.
The more Sofia shows her anger and frustration the more Jason retreats. This couple probably made these same moves hundreds of times over the last few years and each felt pessimistic about the possibility of change.
Stepping Out of the Pattern
I helped Sofia learn that her anger and frustration were actually stemming from her feeling alone, left out, sad and hurt. Sofia was able to drill down and understand that the softer more vulnerable emotions she was feeling were really triggering her side of the negative pattern. She learned that the more she felt alone and hurt the more she would show anger and frustration.
Sofia was attempting to get closer to Jason, but by only showing her anger and frustration she was in reality only sending him running for the hills to self-protect and avoid more hurt.
Jason was able to see that the criticism he felt from Sofia was more than just her harsh words. Jason had come to believe that he was a failure as a husband, and this triggered his response to withdraw. Jason was able to see that he was actually making his life more difficult than need be.
I helped Jason to see that what his wife really wanted was not to criticize him, but reality was that she wanted to feel close to him (not a bad problem to have, right?). The more Jason was able to show up, be supportive to, and connect with Sofia, the less anxious she felt. Since Sofia felt much less anxious about being disconnected, she didn’t need to pursue Jason to feel safe.
The less Sofia needed to pursue the less Jason needed to withdraw. See how that works?
New Beginnings: A New Pattern in Play
The new pattern for the couple looks something like this:
When Sofia is feeling disconnected, she speaks out from a place of openness, honesty, and vulnerability. She shows Jason that she wants to feel closer to him and gives him specific steps to take to help her feel connected and safe.
Since Sofia is using a much softer approach, Jason is able to stay connected and truly understand her needs. Because Jason is not protecting himself from criticism and judgement, he is freed up to be responsive and meet Sofia’s needs. Each partner feels better and each gets more of their needs met.
Take Action Now
If you can relate to either partner in this example and feel that your relationship may be stuck, don’t wait. The longer you stay stuck in your negative pattern, the longer it takes to work your way out of it. Don’t feel bad about not being able to get unstuck by yourselves. Most couples can’t get unstuck on their own and reaching out for expert guidance shows courage and strength.
If you would like more information on how couples counseling can get your relationship unstuck or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
