By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
It’s been a while since you and your partner last had sex. You can tell he is frustrated with the infrequency of your intimate encounters. You feel guilty about withholding sex for much longer and decide to just “give in” and have sex. The sex you have is far from passionate and one or both of you may seem “not totally into it” but you do it anyway. This is Pity Sex.
How Your Man Views Pity Sex
Don’t fool yourself here. Your man can tell when you aren’t fully engaged in sex. You rush past the foreplay, skip passionate kissing, and cheer him on to finish as fast as he can. Men hate this!
Having pity sex may seem like a good solution to the problem when you aren’t feeling up for sex and you know your partner is. The truth is that having pity sex with your partner may actually lead to more problems than it fixes. Sure, you and your partner had sex, but did you really connect through the experience?
What Your Man is Thinking
Whether you are aware of it or not, your man is using your level of desire to have sex with him as a barometer for the relationship. If you seem disinterested in having sex with him, he sees it as a personal failure. The more you avoid being intimate, the more he questions the strength of your bond.
Pity sex often sends the following messages to your partner:
- “They don’t really care about being intimate with me.”
- “They aren’t attracted to me”
- “They just don’t care about sex anymore.”
- “They don’t see me the same way they used to.”
- “I must be failing as a partner.”
Quality over Quantity
I believe it is much more important to have quality sex versus more frequent sex that is lacking in the passion department. I have heard dozens of men report that they would rather “take care of myself” than be subjected to pity sex.
Here’s What You Can Do
Take Ownership – If you aren’t in the mood or just don’t feel like having sex with your partner, let them know the true reasons. It makes a world of difference for your man to know that you are struggling with yourself rather than seeing him as an unworthy partner.
Look Inside – Learn to understand yourself better and gain insight as to why you are not feeling sexual. Are you struggling internally with your body or self-image? Do you have trouble pulling yourself out of your roles as a dutiful wife, loving mother, and family life coordinator? Have you started to wonder how your partner views you and are pulling back because you don’t feel so safe and secure in the relationship yourself?
Educate Your Partner: Needed versus Wanted – Let your partner know what they can do to help you feel more desired. Most women don’t respond well to feeling like they are needed. Their children need them, their company needs them, their family members need them. Women do much better when they feel their partner wants them. This builds desire and lifts us out of our everyday roles that tend to kill the desire for sex.
Have an Open Dialogue about Sex – We need to change the way we view sex. Many people think of sex in terms of compatibility. These people believe that we are either a good fit sexually because things are natural and easy, or we are not a fit because things don’t simply flow with little effort. I think we need to keep the conversation about what we want, desire, long for, and fantasize about going throughout our relationships. We all change over time and we need to be flexible and responsive to help our partner’s needs be met.
Regain the Desire and Recharge your Relationship
Building desire in relationships often takes looking at the same problem with different eyes. Couples counseling allows a space for you to explore what is blocking your sexual relationship and aids you in finding solutions. Life is much too short to struggle with your connection and reaching out for help is often necessary.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
