By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Have you ever wondered why men watch porn? Let me rephrase that, have you ever wondered why men watch porn past the obvious reasons?
You Might be Wrong
Sure, most men like sex. Yes, most men are visual creatures and pornography combines their love of sex and their tendency to gravitate towards a visual medium. Oh yes, and don’t forget that most men enjoy masturbating which again fits perfectly with porn.
While all of these obvious reasons are generally true, they don’t tell the whole story about men and porn. To get at the deeper reasons men gravitate to porn, we must first understand what porn provides that “normal” sex with their partner doesn’t.
Sex can be Scary!
Many people don’t see the pitfalls of having sex with their partner, but there are quite a few to look at. First of all, we have the fear of rejection. One could make an attempt to initiate sex with their partner and be turned down. That hurts! Most men avoid rejection like the plague, so if they sense a possibility of being rejected, many won’t even attempt initiating.
Second, we have the worry about performance. Many men worry about how well they are performing and fear they may not be pleasing or satisfying their partner. When men believe they are not satisfying their partner, they feel a deep sense of shame. This shame will spark fear in men and is difficult to get rid of.
Men also fear they cannot truly be themselves sexually when having sex with their partner. One example could be that some men hold back due to the worry that they might hurt their partner. These men doubt their ability to truly be themselves as they are scared their partner will not “be into it” or will not approve of their need to be aggressive or powerful.
Porn as a Safe Haven
Think of it this way, initiating sex with your partner is risky but porn is a sure thing.
With porn men never have to worry about the fear of rejection. There’s no way men can be rejected with porn. They simply log on to their computers and the outcome is a sure thing.
Men also don’t have to worry about their performance with porn. When watching videos there is no human interaction. No one’s performance is being critiqued. Men have the ability to do things just the way they want, and don’t have to worry about judgement.
The actors on the screen are always into the sex. Men are thus freed up to exercise their “true sexual selves” and are never in jeopardy of hurting anyone. Most of the heterosexual porn portrays women who just can’t get enough sex. They always want more and always appear to be completely satisfied. What a change from the reality of sex with a partner!
Change Your Approach to Porn
If your stance on using porn has always been to see it as an immoral endeavor, open your mind. Ask your partner about their reasons for watching porn, not with a critical/disapproving tone, but from a place of curiosity. You could also ask your partner if there are elements that they would like to take from the porn they watch and implement parts of this in your sex lives.
Porn like anything else can be taken too far. There are many examples of porn causing problems in couple’s relationships and sex lives, but this can’t be generalized across the board. If your partner watches porn, there may be lessons to learn about how they benefit and what it provides them. Many couples incorporate watching porn as part of changing up their sexual routine.
Get a New Perspective
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like to work on improving your sex life, we can help. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
