By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Do you feel truly understood by your partner? Do you believe they are able to look at things from your perspective and see what you see? Do you make countless attempts to tell your partner where you are coming from, but still feel unheard? If you are like most of the couples I work with, you have experienced this frustrating dilemma. You want to be understood, but how can you achieve this?
The Standoff
I find that most couples who are unable to see the other’s perspective are actually locked in a standoff.
Here’s how the standoff works. Partner (A) takes up a position to “make” partner (B) understand their point of view. Partner (A) attempts to achieve this by making the same points over and over with little departure from the main talking points.
Partner (B) does not agree and tries to show partner (A) that they are missing the important details. Partner (B) then continues to use the same strategy partner (A) used, by going over and over their perspective in hopes of convincing partner (A) to agree with them. This never works!
In my mind’s eye I picture two people separated by a steep drop off. One partner stands on the edge of the drop off and yells to the other describing how their side looks. The other then shouts back to report how their side looks, but neither is willing to make the small jump to the other side to look around for themselves.
The end result is a loss for both. In this case, neither partner comes away feeling better. Most often one or both partners feel more hurt, disconnected, and frustrated than before they started the interaction.
There Has to Be a Better Way!
A New Path Forward
Start by seeing the “standoff” as a losing strategy and adopt a new strategy that will actually work.
Your new path has 7 steps and looks like this:
- Don’t try to make you partner see your perspective
- Shift your focus to gain more understanding about their perspective, feelings, thoughts, and experience
- Ask exploratory questions that shed light on areas you know little about
- Show your partner that you truly want to see their side, even if it looks much different than yours
- Once you have a better view of where your partner is coming from invite them over to see your side
- Give them a deeper look at how you see things by including your thoughts, feelings, and experience
- Seek to find common ground, even if you only agree with 10%, let that 10% be the focus and look to expand on that as time goes on
Your New Mindset
The key is making the first move and not waiting for your partner to change. Make changes on your side in hopes of influencing your partner to change.
This line of thinking is quite paradoxical as your goal of being more understood is achieved by trying very hard to understand. It may seem strange in theory, but it works wonders in practice.
By avoiding the standoff and seeking to be the change we would like to see, we show our partner that we are not rigid, but rather very flexible. Once they notice how much we are seeking to understand their side of things, they are exponentially more willing to do the same for us.
The principle is very simple, abandon the old strategies that don’t work and make changes that get you more of what you want.
Get the Help You Need
If you have been stuck in a standoff with your partner and feeling unheard, misunderstood, and not on the same page, try these steps. If you need professional help to move from your strongly-held positions, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
Douglas Counseling specializes in relationships and has helped hundreds of couples get unstuck and reconnect!
