By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Many people see affairs in a very black and white context. We think things like “if someone has an affair, they must be a bad person.” Or, “since my partner had an affair it means he/she doesn’t love me anymore.” I’d like to take the opportunity to shed light on some of the myths surrounding affairs and give you a more nuanced and healthy way of looking at infidelity.
Myth #1: Anyone who has an affair must be a bad/flawed person
I suppose you could make a case for someone who has an affair as “acting badly” or “acting in a flawed way”, but I don’t think you can condemn the person for their action. I have worked with many really good people who have done really hurtful things. Most often the partner who has the affair is not explicitly looking to harm their partner, even though this is often the outcome.
Take a moment to distinguish the person from the behavior. Is this affair totally out of character for the person? Would you want to be condemned for an action that represents a mere fraction of your totality? We often demean the character of the partner who has the affair, but these situations are much too complex to make a snap judgement like this.
Myth #2: If you are in love with them you can’t be in love with me
Just because someone has fallen in love with their affair partner, doesn’t automatically mean they are not in love with their spouse. I have seen many partners who are deeply in love with their spouses, but still developed real feelings for their affair partner.
The issue of love is not an either/or situation but rather a both/and proposition. The love that many people develop in their affairs is often less about the affair partner, but rather more about loving the feeling they have when with them. You could imagine if your marriage has become monotonous, stagnant, and lacking in the intimacy and passion departments an affair would bring a sense of aliveness and vibrancy. We love the feeling of being alive, desired, and appreciated, all of which often live within the confines of the affair.
Myth #3: Our marriage must be fatally flawed for you to have an affair
Most people think, “of course our marriage must be awful, why else would someone cheat?” This is not a belief I subscribe to. I find that when someone is willing to take a huge risk like having an affair, there is usually something very important missing in their lives. The piece that is missing often has much more to do with what is missing individually and not always what is missing relationally. Very often these people don’t even realize there is a missing component until they catch a glimpse of it with someone else.
Ask yourself this question: “Would I be willing to pursue missing parts of myself that I desperately want to reconnect with, even if it means possibly hurting my partner?”
For many out there the answer is a resounding Yes! To have a chance to feel truly desired, to feel special, to feel heard, to feel important, and to feel understood is difficult to turn down. For those who have been missing these pieces of themselves for years, the question quickly turns from “How could I do this?”, to “How could I not?”
Affairs are Complex and often Misunderstood
Please understand that affairs, like books, are often extremely complex and multifaceted. I can’t argue that it is very convenient to simply label someone as “bad”, “selfish”, or “mean.” What I will argue is that unless all factors are accounted for and the reasons for one’s decision are intricately unpacked, we will not have enough knowledge to pass knee-jerk judgements.
Affairs are often very misunderstood, even by some therapists. In order to truly understand what has happened one must make a point to work with an expert who helps couples deal with affairs on a daily basis. Have you recently uncovered an affair in your relationship? If so, take action now and start the process of healing and understanding.
If you would like more information about the Affair Recovery services at Douglas Counseling, please give us a call at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
