By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
I hear the same thing week after week. Boyfriends and husbands complaining about the lack of sex in their relationship. These guys are often good men, loyal partners, and hard workers. They are struggling to understand why their partner is keeping them at arm’s length?
Feeling Needed versus Desired
After years of working with couples I have come across a phenomenon that seems to lie at the heart of this issue. Most often the women who have been turned off and have avoided sex with their partners feel needed and not desired.
Wait, is it so bad to feel needed? While it isn’t all bad to be needed by our partners, it does tend to kill the erotic energy we need for passionate and consistent sex.
Being Needed Kills Desire
Many women are needed in so many areas they often don’t want one more thing to add to their to-do list. Women are needed by their children, their bosses, their families, and their friends. Adding their boyfriend or husband to this ever-growing list isn’t so appealing.
When women feel needed for sex, they can easily see their partner much the same way they view their needy toddler. For those of you that have spent any significant time taking care of young needy children, it’s exhausting and the farthest thing from sexy you can imagine!
There’s a huge difference between feeling needed and feeling desired!
Guys, Change Your View!
If you are one of those guys that views sex as a marital duty you can expect to have boring and unsatisfying sex. The days of sex as a marital duty are long gone! Do you really want your partner to view having sex with you as another chore on her list? I wouldn’t.
I’d much prefer my partner to look at sex as a place she gets invited to, not a mandated chore.
Increasing Desire
How you treat your partner has everything to do with how they experience you. If you put in almost no work to help your partner feel desired, expect them to put in almost no work between the sheets.
One of my favorite thinkers in the area of sex, Esther Perel, poses an interesting question. Perel asks: “When does foreplay start?” She then answers: “immediately after you finish having sex.”
What this means is we must all work on creating a sense of sexual desire and eroticism that exists on an ongoing basis. When we have this baseline level of desire to work with, we feel wanted and this leads to more sex.
Ask yourself what you could do for your partner to help them feel more desired. Maybe you could start by showing them a level of love, caring, and affection that hasn’t been there since the beginning. You could also show appreciation and gratitude for all the things they do to make your life easier. Be creative and know that the more work you put into helping your partner feel desired, the more they will satisfy your need for physical intimacy.
Reach Out for Help
Douglas Counseling specializes in relationships. If your sex life needs some work, please give us a call to find out how we can help. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
