By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
I’ve seen couples argue about all sort of things. Some important, others not so much, and everything in between. There is one thing however that almost all couples tend to argue about, even though it leads nowhere: Objective Reality
What is Objective Reality?
Objective reality simply refers to something existing independent of what we believe. The objective reality of a situation is not in question, because this is truly the way things happened.
Many couples become ensnared in these arguments about who’s version of reality more closely matches the truth or objective reality. The problem is they probably won’t agree because they each see things differently.
What is Subjective Reality?
Subjective reality refers to our personal interpretation of an event. This is what we believe about an event and it is individual to all of us.
Lisa is mad at her husband John because he didn’t stand up for her when Lisa’s mother-in-law made a comment about her parenting. Lisa believes that her mother-in-law made the comment to belittle and hurt her (this is Lisa’s subjective reality). John believes that his mother didn’t intend to hurt Lisa and just chalks it up to her having no filter (this is John’s subjective reality).
So, Who’s Right?
Well, both Lisa and John believe they are correct and spend hours arguing about the true reason for John’s mother’s comments. The more they argue the more each digs their heels in refusing to see it the way their partner describes. The truth here is that there is no winner in this type of argument. The fact that the couple has become so divided around this issue actually means that they both lose out.
Pro Tip!!
Please don’t waste your time arguing about the objective reality of a situation!
You see it through your lens and your partner sees it through theirs. You fundamentally believe the truth of the matter to be different than your partner. That’s okay! What you need to do here is to drop your argument that pushes your subjective reality on your partner and take a minute to think about why they see things the way they do.
Don’t Miss the Forest for the Trees
Your partner’s view is different and different isn’t inherently bad. Ask yourself why your partner sees things the way they do. Is there some truth to the way your partner looks at the situation? Can you see why they look at things the way they do? If so, start a conversation about the things you tend to agree on and go from there. We often miss the real meaning behind our partner’s stance because we are too busy arguing about the “facts” of the matter.
Get Help Now
If you notice too much arguing and fighting in your relationship, don’t wait any longer to get help. The longer you allow the arguing to persist, the more disconnected your relationship becomes. You can learn the skills you need to communicate in a healthier way and build the type of relationship you truly want.
If you have any questions or would like to schedule a session to discuss your needs and learn how we can help, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
