By: Greg Douglas, LMHC, LPC
Truly being seen by our partner is a great feeling. We get a sense they know what is happening with us, can respond to us, and feel connected. It’s such a great feeling, but many people don’t know how to do this. (That’s your cue to read on!)
How It’s Done
The triad of connection, as coined by the famous researcher Daniel Siegel, could be just the ticket to help you connect and see your partner. The three pieces to this triad are perceiving, making sense, and responding. Let’s break these down a bit further.
Perceiving
Perceiving best described by Seigel as, “attuning to our partner’s mental state which lets them know that we get them, so they can feel felt and understood on a profound a meaningful level.”
Perceiving is much like a higher form of paying attention. It takes work to perceive, but it’s work that pays off in long-term committed relationships. To do a good job of perceiving we have to pay attention to our partner. The following questions can put you on the right track to perceiving much better.
- What’s going on with my partner?
- What kind of head space does my partner seem to be in?
- What’s the real message behind their words?
- What might they be struggling with or thinking about?
Making Sense
Once you have perceived the job turns to making sense. Making sense is all about how you work to understand the information coming your way. How we make sense of what our partner is saying or doing is critical as the actions we take will be a direct result of this process.
I often ask my clients something like, “so what do you tell yourself about why your partner said that?” The prompt is to have them think on a deeper level and not just take things as they appear on the surface. Making sense of what is said requires us to assess the meaning behind the words and assess the meaning of what lies underneath the actions. “What is this really about?” is a great question to ask to start the process of making sense.
Responding
Obviously, our response is key. Our perception allows the information in, our making sense allows us to process and attach meaning, and our response allows us to communicate our experience. Responding is all about letting your partner know that they have been heard and that you are willing to take action.
Responding to your partner is a skill that must be honed over time. You have to learn about the types of responses that work best for your partner and make sure to send the message that you care and are willing and able to take action on their behalf. Partners that feel responded to will feel more safe and secure in their relationships and open themselves up to more connection and intimacy.
A huge part of having a better relationship is developing the skills needed to communicate effectively. Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
