By: Greg Douglas, LMHC, LPC
I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that your self-esteem sucks.
How do I know this? Well, after years of working with men and women dealing with relationship issues, I have noted a common theme: poor self-esteem.
I obviously can’t say that each person reading this article has poor self-esteem, but I am almost certain that the vast majority of you are either struggling with self-esteem now or have struggled with it in the past. By the way, if you can’t admit that you’ve struggled with poor self-esteem at some point in your life, you need a reality check.
What Unhealthy Self-Esteem Looks Like
There are two main forms of unhealthy self-esteem. We have low self-esteem which lowers you down to deal with difficult emotions such as shame, guilt, inadequacy, and depression. We also have inflated self-esteemwhich artificially pumps you up to feel anger, frustration, resentment, and grandiosity. Neither are healthy, and both need to be addressed to improve your individual health and relationship.
Unhealthy Forms of Self-Esteem
There are three main types of unhealthy self-esteem that get us into trouble.
- Performance Based– “I have worth because of what I can do.”
- Other Based– “I have worth because you think I do.”
- Attribute Based– “I have worth because of what I have.”
Performance-Based Esteem (most often subscribed to by men) says you are only as good as your last performance. Are you killing it at work? Did you hit your latest sales goals to get that bonus from last quarter? Does your bank account have the desired number of zeros on the end?
All are questions that people subscribing to performance-based esteem will consistently ask themselves. They feel great when things are going their way, but when their performance is knocked off course, these people struggle mightily.
The main mistake performance-based people make is the inability to separate their sense of value/worth and their performance or actions.
Other-Based Esteem (most often subscribed to by women) says that you are only as good as your current relationships. Is your partner happy with you? Do your friends seem to be reaching out and including you in their plans? How has your family been treating you lately?
All these questions lead other-based people to have a hyper-focus on their relationships while deriving a sense of worth from the treatment of others. If treated well, these other-based people will be okay. If treated poorly, they tend to fall apart.
The main mistake made by other-based people is allowing their worth to be determined by the treatment of others rather than by their view of the self.
Attribute-Based Esteem (often subscribed to by both genders) says that you are only as good as what you have. Does your handbag come from a prestigious designer? Is your house perched in a desirable neighborhood? Does your car elicit turned heads as you pass by?
People subscribing to attribute-based esteem are in constant competition with their peers to determine who is “more successful” or “doing better.” The main theme here is that you must acquire worldly possessions to cement your standing and therefor worth/value.
The main mistake made by attribute-based people is judging their worth based on how they stack up against their peers rather than by an inner-derived sense of value.
Another Option
Wouldn’t it be nice to let go of all these unhealthy forms of self-esteem and find a new way to operate? Of course, and it’s actually pretty simple!
Healthy Self-Esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value, despite your human flaws and weaknesses.
The real key to having healthy self-esteem is to develop this sense of worth and value from the inside-out. Most people who subscribe to one or more of the unhealthy forms of self-esteem do the opposite and try to derive worth from the outside-in.
Having healthy self-esteem requires a new blueprint or new way to think about how we determine our worth or value.
Think of it this way:
- Your value as a person isn’t earned
- It isn’t conditional
- It can’t be added to or subtracted from
- Your essential worth is neither greater nor lesser than that of any other human being
- Self-esteem is about being, not doing
- You have worth simply because you’re alive
By shifting your view of self-esteem and where it comes from you actually give yourself the chance to have healthy relationships. The relationship you have with yourself, and the one you have with your partner.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rework their sense of self-esteem and rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 or (503) 388-6611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
