By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Have conversations with your partner started to feel more like complaining sessions? Maybe you’re the one with the complaints and hate the feeling that your partner won’t listen. Or perhaps you’re on the receiving end of your partner’s complaints. The truth is, neither position is a good place to be.
If your communication needs an overhaul, this article is for you. I’ll tell you what you need to know to stop the complaining and actually get more of what you want.
Check Your Mindset about Speaking Up
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say the following: “I don’t think I should have to tell my partner what I want, they should just figure it out!”
For me, this mindset is a loser. For those of you waiting around for your partner to figure out how to meet your needs, how well is that going? I can’t imagine very well. Let’s make a change.
Your new mindset is this: “If I’m going to get more of what I want in my relationship, I’m going to have to tell my partner exactly what I want and then roll up my sleeves and help them deliver.”
One of my favorite quotes about communication comes from Terry Real and goes like this: “You don’t have the right to complain about not getting something you never asked for.” Pretty profound and very true!
Complaining in relationships has been an epidemic for decades. It didn’t work then, and it won’t work now. Let’s try something different.
Check Your Approach and Learn to Request
If you’re like most stuck partners, you probably lead with a complaint. Your partner isn’t doing what you’d like, and you figure the best way to clue them in on this is by complaining. Wrong!!
The first change I’d like you to make is to check your approach. Complaining is a losing strategy and almost never works the way you want. So, what’s a better alternative? Requests!!
Requests are totally different from complaints in many ways. For starters you’re asking your partner for their help. You haven’t said anything about how they’ve fallen short or aren’t living up to your expectations. Most people hate being criticized and that’s really all complaints are, pure criticism.
Complaints are negative-past focused and only highlight your partner’s flaws and inadequacies. Requests on the other hand are positive-future focused. With requests you give your partner a chance to meet your needs. This is a much better approach!
Help Your Partner Deliver
So, you’ve done your part by making your request. Great!! What you need to do now is find something your partner does that meets any part of what you asked for. When you notice even a slight improvement or effort on their part to deliver, give them a dose of appreciation.
Keep in mind that your partner doesn’t need to deliver exactly what you asked for to deem this as a success. Maybe your request was to have your partner work less and spend more time with you and the kids. Let’s say that a week later your partner announces they’re leaving the office earlier than usually to spend some quality time with you and the kids. Your partner normally finishes up at 5:30pm and says they’ll be home by 4:30pm. Here’s your critical choice point.
You have the option to tell them that’s only an hour early and downplay their efforts. You also have the option to let them know you really appreciate their efforts and are happy about them coming home early. The main point here is to help your partner deliver more of what you want. I guarantee that you will keep them more motivated by using positive reinforcement! I help my clients celebrate the small successes along the way. Maybe you got 10% more of what you want and still need more, but isn’t it a great feeling to know your partner is really making an effort?
Reaching Out for Communication Help
There is no shame in reaching out for help with communication in relationships. Most of us weren’t taught how to speak out in a healthy way, and many more of us didn’t see such a great model for healthy communication. If you can change the way you communicate, you change the way you connect.
Douglas Counseling specializes in teaching individuals and couples how to communicate in healthy ways to improve their relationships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-6611 or (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
