By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
You’ve probably heard the common phrase that in relationships “opposites attract.” Of course, this isn’t the case across the board, but I do often find that partners seem to find themselves with someone very different from themselves. So why is it that people so very different find their way into each other’s arms? Let’s take a look at why this happens.
It’s Not the Person it’s the Pattern
Something to keep in mind when thinking about why we are attracted to certain people is that often we are not specifically attracted to the person but attracted to the pattern. What I mean is that we tend to gravitate towards people who help us feel like we have felt before.
Let’s say that growing up you had an emotionally distant father that failed to give you the love, attention, support, and nurturing that you deserved. Because of this pattern you have grown accustomed to being in relationships with distant men and have come to feel somewhat comfortable or at least familiar with this arrangement.
You now begin to realize that your male partner is not giving you the love, attention, closeness, and affection you truly want. If you stop and think about it, you probably gravitated towards your current partner at least in part because they helped you to re-create an old familiar pattern of being in relationship with a distant person. You were unconsciously attracted to the pattern and didn’t even know it.
Your Partner Did It Too
Chances are your partner may be caught up in a similar pattern as you are. Perhaps your partner grew up with a mother who did everything for him, waited on him hand and foot, and never required him to put forth effort to garner praise and respect.
Because of this dynamic your partner has come to expect that he doesn’t have to put forth any real effort in his relationship in order for it to work. Remember, he didn’t have to try with his mother, and it worked just fine, so why would this relationship with you be any different?
The Toxic Dance
Here’s where the magic happens. Your old familiar patterns collide in a way that both draws you towards the other person and also frustrates you to no end. Your stance of needing to find closeness and attention collides with your partner’s stance of not having to try in relationships.
The more you complain about the lack of closeness and attention the more your partner feels like a failure and withdraws. The more you see him withdraw, the more you pursue to get those critical needs met. The more you pursue, the more he withdraws and around and around you go!
Neither one of you can put your finger on it, but you know that what is happening is not what you want. The old familiar patterns that you both brought to the relationship have entangled you in a struggle to get your needs met. This toxic dance needs to be ended, but how?
Reaching Out for Help
Chances are you have given it your best shot in terms of changing the dynamic and getting more of what you want. If you could have figured it out, you would have done so by now. The next step is reaching out for help.
Finding a qualified couples therapist is key to helping you understand the pattern at play, learning where the unconscious behaviors come from, and finding new strategies and skills to break free from the unhealthy pattern. In therapy you will learn how to shift out of those old unhealthy stances and move into a new way of operating with your partner.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples recognize their unhealthy patterns and helps these people rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call Douglas Counseling at (503) 388-6611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
