By: Greg Douglas, LPC
Have you noticed your partner becoming more critical lately? Do they seem to find fault with just about everything you do and bring up their grievances again and again? If so, I don’t envy you. This is a tough place to be, and many people think there’s no good way out. I’m here to tell you there is likely a good way out, but you’ll need to know how to change your view of the situation.
What’s the Criticism About?
Here’s a golden nugget of relational wisdom for you. Behind every complaint there is a hidden request. So, your partner is being more and more critical. You could just chalk it up to thinking they’re just a critical person and resign yourself to the belief that nothing will change. Or you could tell yourself that someone acting in such a critical way must have quite a few requests/needs that are going unmet.
Now, chances are your critical partner has not done a great job of making requests. Maybe they’ve tried in the past and now believe no kind or respectful approach has a chance of working. So, what do they do – they criticize and complain. Your partner’s delivery probably needs some work, but let’s focus on your part first.
But Why Use Criticism?
Most people use criticism for one reason only. If you are being critical, you are not vulnerable.
Criticism is a behavior most often derived from feeling anger. If you’re feeling angry, frustrated, or resentful you perceive yourself as being in a position of strength. The thinking is that if you remain critical and upset you won’t leave yourself open to being hurt. Chances are the more critical your partner is the more they are fearful of being open and vulnerable. That sense of opening-up in a vulnerable way just doesn’t feel safe to them.
Make yourself aware of this feeling your partner likely has. Remind yourself that they seem angry and frustrated, yet this is likely just a cover for the hurt and fear that loom underneath. If you can see things like this, you can start to respond to the criticism in a healthier way.
Your New View
The next time your partner complains or criticizes you, I’d like you to stop yourself and think “I bet there is some hidden need/request behind this, I wonder what that is?”
What is their criticism about? Do they continue to harp on a certain area or theme? Start to clue yourself in to what their request or need might be. The more you think like this, the less personal you will take their criticism. The less personal you take their criticism, the more you will be able to stay engaged and help deliver on their hidden need/request.
Here’s What You Can Do
I’d also like you to let your partner know you have noticed them being more critical and ask them what they are looking for from you to help. A great wording for this might look like “Hey, I’ve noticed you being more and more upset lately.” “I’d like to help you out as much as I can.” “Is there a chance that your complaints are aimed at a need that has gone unmet?”
After your partner picks their jaw off the floor from hearing you respond so differently, things will likely go pretty well. Keep in mind that just because you respond differently one time, doesn’t mean your partner will swoon in your arms. They’ll likely continue to be skeptical wondering if this new change on your part will stick around. Your job is to be as consistent as possible in how you respond. The more consistently you respond with kindness and curiosity the faster you can expect your partner to change their stance and be less critical.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples get unstuck from harmful patterns. If criticism has been part of the pattern in your relationship feel free to reach out for help. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-6611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
