By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Want to know how solid your relationship is? A quick and dirty way to find out is asking the following universal attachment questions. The answers to these questions will confirm what is going well and put a spotlight on what needs to improve.
Question #1: Can I count on you and trust you?
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of secure attachment. At the heart of this attachment lies the need to count on our partner and trust they will show up for us when we need them. Keep in mind there are different applications for this idea of “counting on our partner.” You may believe that your partner would stop what they are doing to pick you up if you have car trouble. This would be an example of physically showing up. Do you think your partner would take the time to listen to your fears about a potential job change? Would they provide you with understanding, empathy, and reassurance? This example is more emotionally showing up.
The idea of trust as a foundation for a solid relationship is not just a cliché, it’s legitimate science. Levels of trust can fluctuate, so don’t be too hard on yourself if trust is lacking in your relationship. Building trust is possible and a needed part of relational repair. Just remember that building trust is a slow-moving process requiring months if not years of consistent action.
Question #2: Will you respond to me when I need you?
Responsiveness is also a key indicator that secure attachment exists. Examples of responsiveness are evident in small day-to-day activities and become glaringly obvious in larger more traumatic events. These examples can range from not replying to a text message for hours after it’s sent to failing to be there for emotional support after a partner suffers a death in the family.
Keep in mind that we can’t be perfect and can’t expect perfection from our partner with responsiveness. What we can shoot for is a pattern of consistently responding in a way that helps our partner feel loved, cared for, and supported.
Question #3: Am I valued and accepted by you?
Acceptance is a critical need in our partnered relationships. I think of acceptance as believing that your partner is essentially a person worthy of approval for who they are at the core. This doesn’t always mean we are completely happy with the choices our partner makes, and that, we can work on. True acceptance allows partners to open-up and be themselves in ways they wouldn’t feel comfortable doing if they felt a lack of acceptance.
Question #4: Are you interested in knowing me?
This question speaks to the idea of emotional intimacy. Does your partner regularly ask you questions about yourself? Do they seem motivated to get your insights on a variety of topics? Pay attention to how many questions come your way as well as how your partner responds. Seeking to better know our partner is a great way of building intimacy and safety.
This is a question that has emerged in the last few decades as the goal of our partnered relationships has changed. As most of us have moved from a business-like arrangement with clearly defined and segregated roles (designed for stability and consumption) to a more egalitarian model of shared responsibilities and interchangeable roles (designed for closeness and connection).
Question #5: Do my experiences matter to you?
Much like the previous question, the idea that one’s experiences matter to their partner shows a sense of closeness on an emotional and intellectual level. I take the stance that it’s almost impossible to truly know someone unless you know where they have come from and what their experiences have been.
Looking to learn about your partner’s experiences requires making a shift from the focus on the individual to a focus more on the relational. The idea is akin to making the change from ‘I’ to ‘We.’
The Takeaway
If you have been able to answer yes to most of these attachment questions, chances are you are in a solid relationship. If you answered no to most, I would begin to focus on deepening your connection by exploring some of these questions in greater depth. It may the case that you have a willing partner, but one who needs a little help and support.
Couples counseling can be a great way to improve your sense of safety and connection. If you would like to learn more about how couples counseling may benefit your relationship please feel free to reach out to Douglas Counseling online at www.DouglasCounseling.com or give us a call at (503) 388-6611.
