By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Modern relationships have common themes that come up time and again in couples counseling. The area of sex is often a hot topic and the differences in the partner’s level of desire for sex is a common complaint.
Sexual Desire Discrepancy simply means that each member of the couple has opposing levels of desire to have sex. Perhaps Partner A would prefer to have sex 5-6 times per week and Partner B is happy to have sex once a month. This difference in desire doesn’t have to spell disaster for your relationship. With the right mindset and a healthy approach, this area can be managed without doing unneeded damage.
The Right Mindset
I’d have a couple approach this issue from a place that poses neither partner is right, and neither is wrong. Who really has the authority to dictate how often a person should have sex? This is one of those areas that is totally subjective, and you could have as many different answers as there are people in the world! Instead of seeking to convince your partner that they should adopt your way of thinking, first try to learn more about why they think the way they do.
Some helpful questions to ask could be:
- What type of relationship have you had with sex in the past?
- What does having sex do for you?
- How do you define sex?
- What would a healthy sexual relationship look like to you?
- Are there things I could do differently that could help improve your relationship with sex?
Learning About Your Partner’s Relationship with Sex
Taking a curious approach and learning about your partner’s relationship with sex is a key factor in closing the discrepancy gap. Most often a person’s relationship with sex has little to nothing to do with their current partner but has more to do with their historical views on sex, relationship with sex, and beliefs about themselves and sex. Remind yourself that your partner’s views are not a commentary on you and are simply parts of them they bring to the relationship.
Learning about your partner’s relationship with sex sheds much needed light on why they value or devalue the experience. If sex has been the only way to feel close and connected to a partner, it makes sense that sex is valued at a premium. At the same time, if someone views sex as an obligatory chore that highlights a power imbalance in the relationship, sex will likely be devalued and avoided. Learning more about your unique views on sex and relationship with physical intimacy can start the road to a new dynamic.
A Healthy Approach
I suggest approaching your partner from a place of openness and optimism regarding desire discrepancy. Let your partner in on your current view of sex and the level of importance it has in your life. Let them know you are aware of the difference between your preferences and put this issue on the table to deal with.
If you are the higher desire partner: Let your partner know that you are here to work with them to create a comfortable and inviting environment. Don’t pressure your partner to have sex, rather work on building a foundation of helping your partner feel desired. Work on building desire in all areas, not just physically. Engage in more conversation, show more affection (not expecting it to lead to sex), do things together that help you feel more bonded as a couple.
Work with yourself to make sure you don’t have blind spots surrounding sex. Make sure your relationship to sex is healthy and that you aren’t equating your partner’s desired frequency to not being attractive or good enough/worthy.
If you are the lower desire partner: Let your partner know that while sex might not feel like the most natural fit, you see the value in physical intimacy. Show your partner that you are willing to give and receive affection, compliments, and bids for connection.
Work with yourself to potentially change your current relationship with sex. Engage in talks with your partner about how your past views of sex have led to your stance. Make sure your partner knows that your lower desire for sex is not a commentary on your view of them.
Reaching Out for Help
Dealing with differences in sexual desire is one of the most common areas addressed in couples counseling. Conversations about sex are often very uncomfortable and get swept under the rug in many relationships. Don’t let this issue derail your relationship. Most couples need some guidance in having healthy conversations about sexual desire, so don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples start new conversations while finding new solutions to old problems. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-16611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
