By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Many of the couples we work with report parenting as one of the major stressors they face. This comes as no surprise. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and is challenging even in the best of times. While parenting in general is difficult, some parents have additional stress placed on them by their child’s challenging behavior.
Common Behavioral Challenges
Some of the most prevalent behavior issues from children include:
- Issues with attention, impulsivity and overactivity
- Refusing to follow rules
- Temper tantrums
- Anxiety
- Depression
Does any of the following sound familiar?
You find yourself spending hours trying to get your child to complete their schoolwork. You go over the rules again and again, just to have your child continue to break them. You spend tons of time attempting to de-escalate their anger and acting out. You do your best to coax them out of their room to engage with the family but find it hard to fight that battle day after day.
All your efforts seem to get you nowhere and worst of all you are starting to feel like you and your partner are turning against each other. The more your child acts out the more you and your partner seem to argue and have conflict. Don’t let your child’s behavior ruin your relationship!
If you can relate to any of the experiences above, your child’s behavior is likely impacting your relationship.
Below I will outline some of the most common ways relationships are impacted by a child’s behavior, as well as interventions that can minimize the impact on your relationship with your partner.
Common Ways Relationships are Impacted:
- Splitting
- Triangulation
- Power Struggles
Splitting and How it Happens
When parents are faced with challenging behavior from their children, they don’t always agree on how to respond. Often one parent will take up the stance of being more lenient on the child and the other believes being stricter is the answer. In these cases, the parents are ‘split’ as they each believe their approach is correct. Splitting is simply when partners become pitted against each other in what feels like a battle rather than a team atmosphere. It doesn’t take long to have partners become frustrated with each other and the relationship suffers.
Triangulation
Like splitting, triangulation happens when a child’s behavior leads to the parents taking up certain roles in the family. This dynamic is known as the “drama triangle” as each person takes up a position that can be illustrated like a point of a triangle. There are 3 distinct roles that make up the triangle including the victim, perpetrator and rescuer.
A common dynamic in triangulation is when a father sees their child’s behavior as the issue and seeks to impose limits and consequences on the child. The mother believes that the father’s approach is too harsh and then sees the child as the victim and inserts herself as the rescuer to buffer the impact on the child. As you can imagine, this dynamic only leads to more conflict and the partners are once again feeling like opposition rather than teammates.
Power Struggles
Power struggles can occur in many ways. The parents often feel powerless to control their child’s behavior and attempt to regain control through intervening. The child can feel powerless to make their own decisions and can act out as a way to show their power to their parents. When parents aren’t on the same page with how to deal with their child’s behavior a power struggle can develop between partners.
When your child is struggling with their behavior it can place a massive weight on you and your relationship. More and more parents are learning about diagnosis like Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), and Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder. While these issues can be difficult to manage, you shouldn’t lose hope. You aren’t alone and there are ways to protect your relationship.
How to Bullet-Proof Your Relationship from Your Child’s Behavior
Dealing with a child’s challenging behavior requires a lot from parents. Parents must be patient, resilient, steadfast, committed, and organized to deal with their child’s actions. Keys to making sure your relationship doesn’t take on unneeded damage include:
- Good communication
- Getting on the same page
- Avoiding power struggles
Partners must work on continual communication surrounding their child’s behavior. Topics will include their current thoughts and feelings about the behavior, assessments of current approaches, ideas on new strategies to employ, and how to best support each other through this process.
Getting on the same page means teaming with your partner to find agreed-upon ways of viewing the child’s actions, collaborative approaches, and being lockstep in agreement on interventions. When parents aren’t on the same page it causes issues in their relationship and leads to poor outcomes for the child.
Making sure to avoid power struggles is also key. Parents could work on adopting the mindset that they are not able to control their child’s behavior no matter what they do. The idea of being in control of another person’s actions is faulty thinking. Parents would benefit from seeing themselves in charge of providing a healthy environment for their child to operate in. What the child chooses to do in that environment is up to them and not controlled by the parents.
Parents can also benefit from believing that there is no perfect strategy that will work 100% of the time. Partner A’s ideas on how to intervene are just as good as Partner B’s ideas. You often must try out different ideas to see which prove most effective and which don’t work. When parents can agree on a way to support their child everyone wins.
Don’t be Afraid to Get the Help You Need for Your Child
Working with a therapist that specializes in children’s behavior is a great place to start. These highly trained clinicians will help your child learn to regulate their behavior and can also provide valuable tools for parents. Please don’t feel the need to struggle on your own when there is help available.
If You Want Relationship Help
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples build the types of relationships that can stand the test of time. We have extensive experience in supporting couples through the challenges of parenting and dealing with a child’s challenging behavior. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-16611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
