Politics isn’t the only area where polarization has led to ongoing conflict. The polarization of genders has been causing problems in relationships for centuries.
If having a large gulf between the sexes is such a bad idea, how come it has largely gone unchanged?
Starting on Different Paths
There is no doubt that boys and girls are raised much differently. Girls and boys are set on course to develop “appropriate” traits, depending on their gender from a very early age. These young children have no clue that their parents, and society, has a huge impact on their future ability to have a healthy intimate relationship.
What We Learn
Girls are steered towards the development of more feminine traits, including valuing relationships, doing for others, and showing empathy. Boys are taught to develop more masculine traits: strength, independence, and competitiveness.
Because we are all taught which traits are “appropriate” for us, we naturally gravitate towards the set of traits that matches our gender. It just makes sense. Our parents, family, and friends seem so much more approving of us when we follow suit and stick to our gender specific traits and behavior.
The Difference
Feminine traits preach connection and togetherness while masculine traits preach individual strength and competitiveness. The following is just a small example of the differing traits that each sex is pushed toward adopting:
Choosing Sides
Girls and boys learn early on that they must chose sides. They can either embody the feminine traits and play for the female team, or they can embody the masculine traits and play for the male team. This is not so much of a choice for most young children, as they are pushed to go along with what those around them want.
The problem comes when an individual takes on the traits of their own gender and sees the other set of traits as off limits, bad, or wrong.
Does It Have to be This Way?
I don’t think so. I’d like to see our society adopt a new view that challenges the old traditional way we view boys and girls.
What if there were no “feminine” or “masculine” traits, but only traits that either gender could embody depending on the situation?
Boys could be empathic, caring, and kind when needed, without jeopardizing their status on the “masculine” team. Girls could be strong, forceful, and brave when needed, without fear of being scolded for not “acting like a lady.”
Instead of attempting to put everyone in a box, we focus on raising whole human beings. Whole individuals are free to move as they see fit. They can be adaptive to the situation and act accordingly. We can get past the ludicrous notion that each gender must stick with their traditional traits, even if they don’t fit the situation.
We could create real change that would benefit generations to come.
The Impact on Relationships
Imagine the huge impact that raising whole individuals could have on relationships. If men were taught from a young age that being thoughtful, caring, considerate, and supportive was a good thing, they would be free to move this way with their female partner. The result would be happier wives and girlfriends and better relationships.
What if women were taught that being strong, assertive, and brave were valuable traits to have? My guess is that these women grow up seeing themselves as equals to their male counterparts, while having a more positive view of themselves all along the way.
Without the idea that one set of traits is good and the other bad, we can move forward with more flexibility. Individuals would flourish because of healthier self-esteem and self-worth. Relationships would benefit through better communication, support, and responsiveness.
How Therapy Can Help
If you’ve fallen victim to the notion that you have to conform to either masculine or feminine characteristics, therapy can help. Through therapy you can develop a healthier and more adaptive approach to your actions.
You don’t have to feel tied down to the old way of thinking – change is possible.
If you would like more information about making the changes laid out on this article, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 to set up a free phone consultation.
