There are almost too many pitfalls to name when dealing with communication within intimate relationships. However, there are a few practices that I have noticed coming up more and more over the last few years. One of the most notable pitfalls that I have seen recently is the use (or over use) of text messages.
I realize that most (if not all) of us have incorporated text messaging into our lives at least on some level. The issue that I have with texting is not it’s general use, but the misuse of texting that creates more problems and hinders communication between partners.
For example, I have heard many couples report that they got into “another texting fight” that left them both reeling and withdrawing from one another. When I ask the couples more questions it becomes clear that in some cases the majority of their daily conversations happen via text messaging. Not just short and to-the-point messages, but in-depth and emotionally intense conversations. This is a potentially huge problem, one that could ultimately lead to the destruction of the relationship.
My top 5 reasons to avoid over-texting:
1. It robs you of the ability to speak face to face (because you already texted about it)
2. You lose context, tone, and emphasis which leads to misinterpretations of your message
3. You are not able to fully concentrate on the dialogue due to being engaged in other activities (work, childcare, social, etc.)
4. You cannot fully explain your thoughts and feelings without excessive writing (which is another issue altogether)
5. It conveys the message that your relationship is just another item on the daily ‘to do’ list that does not deserve the full attention of both parties
Many couples struggle to find ways to communicate their true thoughts and feelings in person, and attempting to navigate this difficult area via text is a recipe for disaster. Often one partner will report they don’t like to get involved in significant back and forth texting and this person often becomes angry and frustrated with the situation and shuts down.
When texting it becomes far too easy to simply ignore your partner’s text which sends the message that you don’t care or don’t see them as a priority. The partner who wants to engage via text is left feeling shut out and either pursues to see where they stand, or withdraws into silence to protect themselves from the felt disconnection. In either case, no meaningful communication happened and both partners are left with negative feelings surrounding the interaction.
I advocate for couples to use text for only the simplest of messages. For example: “What time will you be done today”, “can you stop by the store and grab some milk on your way home?”, “I really miss you and can’t wait to see you later.” Anything more than a simple message or question that can be answered with a yes or no, is better left for in-person discussion.
I suggest talking to your partner (in-person of course) about this issue and setting up parameters that you can both live with. If your partner is not sticking with the agreement, you must be in charge of setting boundaries that lets them know you care, but are not willing to engage in destructive texting.
Do not make the mistake of blowing off or ignoring your partner’s attempts to reach you by text, but do let them know you understand their need to talk. Let them know you just need to do so in a more productive way. You can simply state “this issue is really important to me and I would like to discuss it tonight when I get home.”
By setting healthy texting boundaries you will be able to continue the conversation in a way that leads to connection, rather than misinterpretation.
If you or someone you know has fallen victim to over-texting, pass this article along.
If the relationship has suffered as a result, and you would like help getting your communication back on track please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 or check us out online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
