Guys, do you ever feel like you are wearing so many different hats you can’t keep track of them all? You’re a husband, a father, you have a career, yet not enough time in the day to meet everyone else’s needs, not to mention your own.
This article is for the men out there taking on the difficult task of balancing marriage, parenting, and work. This balancing act has become even more difficult in recent decades as men are now expected to do much more than their fathers did. I feel uniquely qualified to speak to this issue as I am a husband, father, and business owner. In the following article I will lay out how roles and expectations have changed for men over the years, and how we can best tackle the difficult task of making it all work.
The Olden Days
Many years ago, the balancing act was much less difficult for men to master. The expectations in most households was for the husband to go to work and be the primary bread winner for the family. His duties around the house were mostly limited to taking care of the “manly jobs” like taking care of the yard, keeping the cars in working order, and doling out the occasional punishment for the kids.
In years past a sense of clear-cut roles for men were the norm, and little was expected outside of this narrow focus. They could focus almost all their time and energy taking care of the family financially. If they attained this goal, there was little else expected of them. This is a far cry from the increasing expectations put on men is today’s world.
Now men are expected to fill many of the following roles:
- Loving husband
- Hands on father
- Emotional supporter (for both their partner and the kids)
- Child care-giver
- Helper around the house
- Breadwinner
- Best friend
- Trusted confidant
- Financially successful
- Equitable decision maker
While many of the changing roles have been positive, it can’t go unnoticed how much more is on most men’s plates in 2017. So how can we do it all? And how can we do it all well?
Feeling Torn
I have worked with many men that report feeling torn between their roles as husbands, fathers, and businessmen (especially those that own their own business). These men talk about how they just don’t have time to do well in each role. If they spend more time at work their business grows and finances are better, but now their wife feels lonely and overwhelmed and their kids miss their dad.
No problem, these men can make adjustments to cut back time at work, and now their wife is happier and less overwhelmed, but there is added stress about money. It seems almost impossible to have adequate time and energy to spend in all three areas.
Treading Water
For those men that do attempt to spend equal time, the report usually consists of feeling like they are failing at each area, just doing enough to get by, but never gaining the ground they desire. By attempting to please everyone, we often end up pleasing no one, especially ourselves. There is a slippery slope to low self-esteem for many men that feel they are not adding up to what their partner expects.
Many men base much of their self-worth on being good providers for their family, after all, this is what they saw their fathers and grandfathers doing. But what happens when men have limited time to be a good provider? While they make be more engaged husbands and fathers, they still feel like failures and this leads to individual issues and relationship problems.
A Change in Perspective
I believe that men today must begin to look at their lives from a different vantage point. We can no longer expect to have a narrow focus that excludes our partners and our children. We must begin to understand and talk about our challenges, and know that we are not capable of doing it all.
I advise men to sit down with their partner and have a detailed conversation about each person’s expectations for the other. This is where men can voice their thoughts and feelings about the challenging roles they face, and ask for support and understanding from their partner. I find many men that are very surprised to hear that their wife understands the difficulties they face, and don’t expect their husbands to be super human.
3 Keys to Finding Balance
1. Stay in the moment
When men feel pressured to wear multiple hats and multitask, they often feel pulled in many directions with none leading to success. Make a concerted effort to stay in the moment and focus on the task at hand. If you are at home, put your phone on silent and remain engaged with your wife, or enjoy playing with your kids. Those work calls can be returned later, when you will have the ability to be more focused and present with that particular task.
2. Set up appropriate boundaries
By learning how to set boundaries you can set the scene to make things easier on you and your family. Establish certain time frames for working, spending time with your kids, and connecting with your spouse. While most men won’t be able to stick with these boundaries 100% of the time, they can help to separate the tasks and make balancing the different roles more doable.
3. Work as a team
Start to see your roles of partner, parent, and earner as a team event. Talk to your spouse about how neither of you have to (and can’t) do it all, and how you can each pitch in to support each other. It may be true that you can’t provide 100% of the money for the household, it may also be true that your partner can’t provide 100% of the childcare. No problem, you will feel better knowing that your partner only expects you to provide a portion of each area and they are able to take on the rest. Couples that depend on one another report much higher levels of happiness, and feel more connected that those with more individual views on roles.
Your New View
Men, understand that you cannot be everything to everyone, and cannot exceed in each area of life with limited time and energy. Follow my suggestions to change your view and temper your expectations to better fit your situation. Talk to your partner about the challenges you face and find ways to take on the complex task of being a partner, raising children, and running a household as a team.
If you have felt the pressure of trying to balance it all and need help with a game-plan to get you on track call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com for more information.
