The Do’s and Don’ts of Dealing with an Affair: (From Both Perspectives)
No one who has just learned that their partner had an affair can possibly prepare themselves for what ensues. The emotional roller coaster you have just boarded will take you to depths you never thought possible and will test your patience and resolve like nothing else in life.
While you cannot save your marriage in the coming days or weeks, you can absolutely ruin it. The time immediately following the disclosure of an affair is critical to your ability to recover both personally and relationally.
While working with couples dealing with affairs over the last few years I have found certain strategies very helpful and others completely useless. In the following article I will outline my top do’s and don’ts for couples dealing with affairs.
The Betrayed Spouse
Scenario #1: You are so mad at your spouse you can’t see straight. You never thought yourself capable of achieving this level of anger and resentment, but here you are.
Don’t- continue to lash out at your partner attempting to have them feel your pain. I understand how good it feels in the moment to yell, curse, or throw things at them, but this high is short-lived. Continued rage hurts you and your partner.
Do– recognize that your anger is valid, and you do need an outlet for your pain. However, continuing to lash out at your partner will only push them further away and prevent the healing process from starting. Make sure you let them know how you are feeling but do it from the position of ownership such as “I make myself so angry when I think about what you have done.” This subtle change in owning your anger helps you to take control and allows your partner to avoid feeling criticized and judged.
The Unfaithful Spouse
Your partner is beyond upset with you and you know it. Every chance they get to lash out at you and punish you for your actions is taken full advantage of.
Don’t- fight fire with fire. You may feel attacked but launching a counter-attack will only lead to them more upset and damage your bond further. Avoid making excuses or rationalizing your behavior. No one else made you stray, this was your decision and you must accept the consequences.
Do– use more patience than you ever thought possible to have. Understand that your partner’s world has just been flipped upside-down and go out of your way to treat them with compassion. Listen with the intent to truly hear them and validate their feelings as much as possible.
Scenario #2: You want to move on but can’t stop thinking about what happened between your spouse and their affair partner. You feel compelled to ask questions and piece together the sequence of events.
The Betrayed Spouse
Don’t- badger your partner with detail laden questions that they have little chance of even remembering. You have every right to ask questions to understand what took place but be careful in your approach. If you find yourself combing through miniscule details in hopes of having your partner slip up and catch them in a lie to prove they are still untruthful, you are fighting a losing battle.
Do– ask yourself before asking your partner if you had the answer to the question in mind, how would it help you? If you truly believe knowing the answer would be helpful for you, ask away. If you aren’t sure, think about moving on to another area of curiosity that may prove more productive for both of you. Work on moving to more “investigative” questions that mine the meaning of what took place.
The Unfaithful Spouse
Your partner continues to hammer away with question after question about who, what, where, when, and how.
Don’t- become defensive and get angry or shut down. Also, avoid omitting certain information because you believe it will only “hurt them more.” The damage has been done and we now need to work towards repair.
Do– answer openly and honestly all questions your partner sends your way. Stay patient and remind yourself that the more your partner learns the faster they can move beyond the initial hurt. Lack of open and honest communication likely got you into this mess, don’t miss your chance to rectify the mistake and move towards recovery.
Moving into Recovery
Uncovering an affair marks the low point for many, but it comes with an opportunity. An opportunity to create the type of relationship you truly want. A relationship that fosters a deeper connection, stronger bond, and greater intimacy. This new relationship will be built on a new foundation that includes stronger and healthier individuals who now know how to support each other.
If you have just uncovered an affair, please use the strategies outlined above to begin your healing journey. Make sure you also find an Affair Recovery specialist that can help guide you on your way.
If you would like help dealing with the fallout from an affair, please contact Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com
