By Greg Douglas, LMHC
“I want to make an appointment, but my husband says he won’t attend.”
Each time I hear a potential client say this I cringe. Don’t you call an attorney if you need legal advice? Wouldn’t you see an accountant if you had questions about your taxes? Of course you would, so what is different about attending marriage counseling? The answer is nothing, absolutely nothing!
Have you been trying to get your husband or male partner to attend counseling for months or even years? Have they thwarted each attempt you made to the point it seems impossible? Did you get them to attend a session or two, but they refused to continue? If so, don’t feel bad as you are not alone.
Women often struggle mightily to get their men to attend counseling. So, what you have tried doesn’t work so well. That’s okay, below I will give you a straightforward plan for getting your man to attend counseling. If you follow it, it will work!
Strategy #1: Shift from Want to Need
We often say something like: “I really want us to go to counseling, would you please consider going with me?” This way of asking is fine if you have relatively few issues to work out and are just testing the waters. However, if your relationship is or has been in a tailspin for some time, this approach is way too weak!! Men don’t typically respond to passive attempts for action, they need a stronger approach.
Say it like this: “Our relationship needs work, we have tried to fix it on our own and have gotten nowhere.” “I need you to attend counseling with me, so we can get professional help.”
In this example you are not asking but telling. You are making your needs heard loud and clear, which is critical for success.
Hopefully your partner responds well to this and agrees to attend relationship counseling. If not, you need to move to strategy number two.
Strategy #2: Use Leverage
Many men don’t really believe their women are truly serious about making changes in the relationship. Some don’t feel the relationship is that bad and it probably works for them much better than it works for you. If this is the case in your relationship, you will need to use leverage.
What I mean by leverage is showing your man you are serious by giving him consequences if he chooses not to follow through.
We often say something like: “I don’t know how much longer I can stay unless we get professional help.” “I don’t think our marriage is going to change unless we go to counseling.” This statement is well-intended, but not strong enough to incite real action.
Say it like this: “I have made the decision that I need change in our relationship.” “Part of what I need is for you to attend counseling with me, so we can make these changes.” “If you are not willing to attend counseling and actively work on our relationship, I will be leaving in two weeks and will stay at my mother’s house.” “I will be moving forward with contacting an attorney and assessing my options for ending the marriage.” This statement means business. This lets your partner know that you have thought about what you will do, and this makes things much more real for them.
While it is unfortunate that we have to go to great lengths to get our partner’s support, it is often necessary.
If you try using leverage and your partner still refuses to attend counseling, you have some difficult questions to ponder:
- Can I stay in this relationship in its current form or do I need things to be different?
- Can I stay in a relationship with a partner that devalues my needs?
- Do I reasonably think he will change without professional help?
- Does my partner appear to have the same level of commitment to this relationship as me?
If you answered No to any of the above questions it is time to think long and hard about leaving the relationship. As difficult as that may sound, you are likely with a partner that has no interest in changing and if you can’t live with that, you need to consider moving on.
If you need your partner to attend counseling to save your relationship, try out my advice above. If you need extra support, feel free to contact Douglas Counseling for information about how to approach your partner attending counseling.
Remember that Douglas Counseling is here for all your relationship needs. Call us at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
