By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Dealing with the fallout of an affair has rocked your relationship to the core. You want desperately to heal but constant triggers keep rolling in wave after wave. If you don’t learn how to handle the triggers fast you know your relationship won’t survive.
These triggers can come out of nowhere and we/our partner can be set off by just about anything. Dealing with the injured partner’s triggers is a crucial hurdle to get over in relational recovery. Each partner needs a go-to ‘cheat sheet’ to help them deal when emotions get ratcheted up. Below I provide each partner with 4 simple steps to take when dealing with triggers.
The Injured Partner: (Usually the one who gets triggered)
- Breathe through the emotion – you have just been triggered and the emotions are coming on strong. At this moment you need to remember to breathe. Breathe in as you count to 4 and then breathe out counting to 4 again. Do this as many times as you need to calm yourself physically.
- Remove yourself from the situation (if needed). Don’t feel like you must engage as nothing good will likely happen in this interaction. Tell your partner you can’t talk to them now but need some time to calm down before working towards repair.
- Come back to center – you have just taken the plunge into shame (one-down and scared) and then shot yourself into grandiosity (one-up and angry). Take a moment to pinpoint where you are in terms of boundaries and self-esteem. You must return to a place of equality/health. If you are shame-filled, withdrawing, and scared empower yourself back to center. If you are grandiose and acting abusive, lower yourself back to center.
- Seek repair – once you have brought yourself back into a healthy position, seek repair with your partner. Report to them the thoughts you just had that stoked those intense feelings. Let them know what those feelings were for you. Then make a request that will allow you to feel better/find resolution with this situation.
The Injuring Partner: (Usually the one on the receiving end)
- Don’t take it personally – remind yourself that your partner’s strong reaction is about them. Look to immediately take on a supportive role and avoid feeling like the victim as this will only lead to defensiveness.
- Let them take the lead – virtually anything you say at this point will not help, so don’t make things worse. If they want to be left alone, give them space. If they need to scream for a minute, let them do it.
- Stay engaged – and send the message that you are here to help and not make things worse. Show your partner you are not going to abandon them, and they will slowly start to believe you and feel safe.
- Respond with generosity – hear your partner out and respond to their request from a place of generosity. If they ask for reassurance, give it to them. If they ask for a change in your behavior, do your best to oblige. Do whatever you reasonably can to be responsive to their request and step back into recovery.
Follow these steps each time you or your partner becomes triggered. You may have to do this on a daily basis, so be prepared. The more you respond with engagment and safety, the more your partner will begin to feel safe and the triggers should begin to lessen over time.
If you would like help dealing with the fallout of an affair, please contact Douglas Counseling and get your relationship on the path towards recovery.
