By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Most couples come to me wanting more connection and less conflict in their relationship. Sounds great, right? Who wouldn’t want to feel more connected with their partner and live a mostly harmonious life? So, the question then becomes what keeps these couples from achieving their relational goals. The answer I give is not what most people expect.
Relationships are Counterintuitive
Early on in couple’s therapy and tell both partners that one of the goals of our work together is to find the “sweet spot” of being protected and connected at the same time. Many people are good at one or the other, but very few have mastered the delicate balance of openness.
Too Open
Most people think of being connected as being wide-open to everything coming their way. They have little to no boundaries to keep anything out, so while they are totally open to being connected, they are also totally open to being hurt. This type of person becomes reactive to every little thing that comes their way. Their partner’s words cut like a knife and the lack of safe connection sends them off the deep end. This won’t work.
Too Closed
Others are not open at all for connection and instead hide behind walls to keep themselves protected at all costs. This is a great way to keep yourself safe, but you have no chance to develop an intimate relationship with anyone else. This type of person is oblivious to the needs of others. They keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves and avoid situations that may leave them emotionally vulnerable. This won’t work either.
The Sweet Spot
The goal is to find a balance of being able to protect yourself when needed so that you stay engaged and develop intimacy with your partner. Imagine how difficult it would be to try to feel connected when you feel constantly hurt by your partner?
The trick I teach my clients is to develop a mechanism that allows them to filter out the things that come their way that don’t belong. If you show up late for a family function and your partner says, “thanks for letting me know you were running late (sarcastic), you are so selfish, you are never on time, you don’t care about anybody but yourself!” Most of us would be so hurt we would either get defensive and counter-attack, or we would simply shut down and wall-off to avoid further conflict. Either way, we miss the sweet spot by a mile.
What you need to do instead is take in what your partner has just said and filter out the messages that are not true for you. This means you only pay attention to the part of their message that has some truth to it. The part of their message that is true seems to be that you were late and perhaps you could have been more courteous about letting them know. That’s it, the rest of it needs to be filtered out and not responded to.
Once you get good at protecting yourself, you can then keep yourself close enough to your partner to have a true intimate relationship. You can find resolution to differences, you can repair your bond, and you can maintain a happy and healthy relationship for the long-haul.
Get Help
If you find yourself struggling to find the balance of being protected and connected at the same time, please don’t wait too long to reach out for help. If you would like to learn more techniques for fostering a healthy relationship, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903.
