By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
The decision faced by many partners in relationships feels like a lose-lose proposition.
“Should I speak up and tell him what I feel, or keep it in and wait for calmer waters?”
For those of us looking in from the outside the decision seems very clear. Of course you need to speak your mind to your partner. Why wouldn’t you? Well, for those in the relationship the decision seems much less clear.
The Dilemma
I have worked with many clients facing this same dilemma of whether to speak their truth. Some gather the courage and speak out, while others succumb to the fear and stay silent.
Fear Factor
What are these people so afraid of? For those caught up in the dilemma of whether to speak or stay silent, the fear comes from two distinct places. The first fear comes from the choice to speak. As these people see it, if they speak up and voice their opinions that are risking starting conflict and thus the connection to their partner.
The main fear is of starting an escalating conflict that leaves the relationship in worse distress than it already is. These people have seen this scene play out before and believe that speaking will only make things worse. Why would they take the risk if their relationship is already hanging on by a thread?
The Gamblers: (Those Who Speak)
For those willing to speak, the risk to the relationship is seen as worth the reward of self-expression. This most often occurs after they have already made the choice to stay silent many times over. This person gets to the point where they are not willing to sit idly by and put up with their hurt feelings. The risk they take is palpable, but the gamble is worth the emotional price.
The Settlers: (Those Who Stay Silent)
Those who choose to stay silent believe they are playing it safe. They see the huge risk of further harming their relationship as too scary and take the “safe” route of staying silent. While this “safe” option seems smart it effectively ends up ensuring that we will continue to get more the same. If you can live with the discomfort, you end up settling.
Making the Choice
Far too often I see the hopeless partner who has staying quiet only to watch their relationship die on the vine for years. Are you truly happy in your relationship? Are you getting so much benefit out of the bond that you can live with the glaring issues? Is your fear centered on the scary aspects what would happen if you left the relationship, rather than on the potential rewards of an improved relationship/partner?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions it is probably high time you take a chance and speak out. Unless you are willing to rock the boat you can be assured little to nothing will change. The adage “Nothing ventured nothing gained” is appropriate here. The only way to effect change in your relationship is to be honest with your partner about what you need. What you need more of and what you need much less of.
You May Need Help
Speaking out is not easily done, especially if you want to give yourself a good chance of being listened to. Enlist the help of a relationship therapist who has successfully helped hundreds of partners lovingly confront their mates to start the process of change. You may have to attend counseling on your own first to gather the strength and skills needed to take the gamble. If your partner is willing to attend with you, even better, as you can allow the therapist to clarify your position and help keep the conversation on track.
Make the Call
If you are stuck between a rack and a hard place in your relationship, don’t wait too long to make the call. The sooner you can speak your truth and ask for the changes you need for a happy relationship the better.
If you have any questions or would like to schedule a session to discuss your needs and learn how we can help, please call Douglas Counseling at (561) 207-1903.
