By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
The discovery of a betrayal within your relationship is perhaps the most difficult time you may ever face as a couple or individual. The next few weeks and months will be filled with intense emotions that are often incredibly hard to deal with. With emotions running so high it is extremely difficult to know what to do. To help you and the clients I work with in my practice, I have created a checklist with detailed information for each partner.
The items on the checklist were created specifically for each position of the injured partner and the inuring partner. I advise you to read both so you can get a feel for what each of you need to be aware of early on in this process.
The Injured Partner
1. Dealing with Difficult Emotions: Know that you have every right to feel exactly the way you do yet be aware that acting out these emotions may lead to more relationship damage. Allow yourself to act out the emotions in appropriate settings (when children are not around) this could include screaming, hitting a pillow, or just crying.
2. Attempt to find Normalcy: While you may be tempted to isolate yourself and indulge in the painful feelings, don’t allow the negative feelings to guide your actions. Give yourself permission to feel awful, hurt, scared, sad, mad, etc., this is completely fine. Work on continuing to follow your daily routine as much as possible. When your world is turned upside down you need to find familiarity wherever possible.
3. Reach out for Help/Support: This can include setting up an appointment with a therapist or speaking with a trusted friend or family member. Make sure your friend or family member has your best interest at heart and is willing to listen and give feedback (if you want) in a non-judgmental way. Keeping the betrayal a secret is often seen as preferable, yet may not always be the best choice for the betrayed partner.
4. Think Small Picture, not Big Picture: I advise you to not make any quick decisions about whether to stay or leave your relationship. When in the crisis phase your emotions will be too intense to allow for thoughtful decisions. Give yourself the gift of at least 3 months for processing your thoughts and feelings about staying or leaving.
5. Focus on Individual Health/Healing: Your world has just been rocked and you may spiral into questioning yourself or even blaming yourself for your partner’s actions. Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and self-worth while reminding yourself that your partner’s actions of betrayal are not a commentary on you, but rather a commentary on their choice. Work to build self-esteem from the inside-out and practice self-compassion on a daily basis.
The Injuring Partner
1. Dealing with Your Partner’s Emotions: Remember that you have been privy to the betrayal all along and your partner is just now finding out. You may feel better about finally coming clean, but your partner is reeling and rightfully so. Allow your partner to feel their emotions and validate them as often as possible. You will need to practice more patience than you ever thought possible, but this is key. You can’t fix the relationship in the crisis phase but you sure can break it beyond repair.
2. Make a Heartfelt Apology: If you are feeling shame and guilt about hurting your partner, make a heartfelt apology. Let them know just how sorry you are for hurting them and that you will do your best to help them in any way you can. Show your true emotions here, this is not a place for stoicism. Your partner needs to know you truly are remorseful about hurting them.
3. Follow Your Partner’s Lead: If your partner feels that spending more time with you will help, do it. If they need space to process their feelings, give it to them. Most injured partners will appreciate your willingness to help them, even if they aren’t able to tell you so. Ask if they would like more closeness or more distance and be open and responsive to their needs.
4. Don’t Take Everything Personally: Your partner may hit you with a barrage of insults one minute and then 5 minutes later ask for you to hold and comfort them. You may see a different side of your partner multiple times per day. You can easily become defensive if you take what they say or do personally, so don’t! Make sure you see that they are in pure survival mode and their lashing out is simply a way of self-protecting. They probably don’t mean everything they say, so filter out what you know to be false and keep what makes sense.
5. Start the Process of Introspection: Do you have clarity about why you chose to betray your partner? Are you aware of the many factors that led you down this path? You will need to discuss these things and more with your therapist to help you understand why you made the choices you did. Make sure you understand the difference between toxic shame and healthy shame as well as shame and guilt. You are not automatically a bad person because you made a choice that hurt your partner.
Final Thoughts
- Please understand that individual recovery from an affair must take place regardless of whether you stay and rebuild the relationship.
- Shift priorities if needed to make your individual health and the health of your relationship a top priority.
- Make sure you have made contact with an experienced couples therapist that specializes in Affair Recovery. Your therapist will act as your guide for the next few months. They will lead you on a journey from individual recovery, to rebuilding self-esteem, to uncovering relationship patterns, and will teach you new skills to build a better bond.
The discovery of an affair does not need to mark the end of a relationship, but rather can be the spark that ignites a new way of relating that opens space for a healthier and happier relationship.
If you have just uncovered an affair or know someone who has please don’t wait too long to get help. Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples recover from affairs and betrayals. Please call us at (561) 207-1903 and visit use online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
