By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Most people hear this question and immediately answer by a quick assessment of who is “wearing the pants.” But this is not what I’m asking. The question I’m asking here is not who, but what. What part of you is running your relationship?
The Three Parts
I have noticed 3 distinct ‘parts’ of us that may be in charge at any given time. Those 3 parts are the wounded child, adaptive child, and functional adult.
Wounded Child– This part of you represents the young child that was wounded by not getting what they needed. Maybe as a child you missed out on getting acceptance, support, nurturing, consistent attention, unconditional love, or any other omissions of healthy treatment.
Perhaps you were abused in some way be it physical, psychological, or sexual. In either of these cases part of you was wounded and you likely carry this wounding feeling today. When you receive treatment from your partner that resembles any of your past wounding experiences, you respond with similar actions now as you did then.
Example: Your partner approaches you in a critical way (just the way your father did) and you feel hurt, sadness, and shame. You fear there is no way to achieve repair, so you don’t even try.
Adaptive Child-This part of you represents the child that figured out how to cope with not getting your needs met. You likely figured out either consciously or unconsciously that you had to deal with your environment the best you could. Your situation was not ideal, but you had to play the hand you were dealt.
Our adaptive child simply finds a way to adapt to the treatment we received. Keep in mind that we used our best ideas/resources we had at the time to adapt, and our ideas at 5 or 6 years old probably won’t help us much now!
Example: Your partner raises their voice at you (just the way your mother did) and you adaptively fight back by raising your voice and escalating an argument.You probably learned that the only way to be respected or heard was to be loud and angry. This is the adaptive child.
Functional Adult– this part of you represents a mature, thoughtful, and insightful adult. The functional adult stance is marked by well thought out responses that aim to repair disconnection and are mutually beneficial within the relationship. This is the part of you that has done the work to leave behind the old patterns of the wounded or adaptive child.
Our functional adult part does not come naturally for most of us and must be learned. We must learn the skills needed to be a healthy and supportive partner in our relationships.
Example: Your partner says they are unhappy with their career progress (just the way your father was) and you respond by seeking to understand their thoughts and feelings. You take an accepting and supportive stance and ask what you can do to help.
This is a far cry from what you would have likely done if you were using either your wounded child part or your adaptive child. Your accepting and nonjudgmental stance allows your partner to feel connected and supported by you and your relationship becomes even closer in the face of adversity.
Make Sure the Right Part of You is in Charge
If you notice yourself being taken over either by your wounded or adaptive child parts, don’t be discouraged. The best thing you can do is seek out professional help and learn the skills needed to move beyond the immature and unhelpful stances you learned as a child. By learning to operate from your functional adult self you open yourself up to more intimate connection and happier and more fulfilling relationships.
We Can Help
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples learn the skills needed to achieve lasting connection.If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
