By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
A new couple sits on my couch for their first session. After exchanging pleasantries, I ask the couple to tell me more about what brings them to therapy. The wife looks nervously at the husband, hoping he will speak up. He doesn’t. The husband shoots back a stern look at his wife and says, “why don’t you go ahead, you’re the one who wanted to do this.”
I think to myself, “I know what I have here.” I have a modern couple with a traditional problem. “What’s the problem?”, you ask. It’s simple, the wife is timid and has lost her voice and the husband is oblivious.
Timid Women and How Their Voices are Lost
You have to remember that women were at some point little girls. Little girls are taught many things growing up, but one of the most traumatic things little girls are taught is that they must forgo their relationship to themselves to accommodate their relationships with others.
Little girls are taught to value relationships over individual needs and boy do they pay for it in adult relationships!
The frustrating thing is that most little girls had a voice at one point. Ask a 7 year-old girl about her opinion and I’ll bet she’ll give it to you straight. Ask an 11 year-old girl her opinion and I’ll bet she’ll hesitate before giving you an answer. By the time you ask a 14 year-old girl her opinion she is likely to be more interested in your opinion than her own.
It’s sad but true. Girls are socialized to put their individual needs aside in favor of meeting the needs of others. While acting in a selfless way seems like a good thing, it rarely helps in modern relationships.
The Message Men Receive
Here’s a little insight into the male mind. Most men judge their marriages by the amount of conflict within the relationship. If their female partner doesn’t speak up very often about major issues, the male partner gets the message that things are mostly okay.
On the other hand, when women speak out often about how unhappy they are, their men get the message that things are headed south and either slink into a silent withdrawal or retaliate with anger to self-protect.
The Mistakes Women Make
Women make several common mistakes when communicating with their men. The following are my top 3:
- Women don’t speak out openly and honestly about their needs.
Most women aren’t willing to take a real stand to change things in their relationship. They cry themselves to sleep or get sick to their stomachs about how unhappy they are, but still they fail to stand up and speak.
- Women don’t establish clear expectations and boundaries regarding their needs.
For those that do speak, they fail to be clear about what happens if their needs continue to go unmet. What happens if you continue to be ignored? What will you do if your partner continues to sluff off his parenting responsibilities? If you have no recourse, you have no leverage.
- Women don’t follow through with legitimate action.
Some women may speak out and some may even set clear boundaries, but even fewer will follow through with consequential action. This is where the rubber meets the road. If you quietly shrink and give in to learned helplessness your male partner thinks you no longer care. If you continue to get upset and speak out, he thinks you’re a nag. This is where women have to take action.
Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick
Here is the fix. Women need to learn how to speak out openly and honestly about their needs. When you do speak out, speak from a place of ownership and make sure your partner knows explicitly what you need to be different.
I like the expression of speak softly and carry a big stick. What does this look like? Well, let’s image a fairly typical issue and I’ll show you what I mean.
Jenna and Mark:
Jenna has been married to Mark for over 10 years. They have two kids ages 8 and 4. Jenna feels completely alone as Mark works long hours at his sales job and spends almost no time with her or the kids during the week. When the weekend comes around Mark spends his time on personal hobbies and leaves Jenna to take care of the kids. Jenna not only works her job but has taken over 90% of the household work as well. Over the years Jenna has grown bitter towards Mark and feels like more of a maid and chauffer than a real partner.
Jenna needs to take thoughtful action to get the change she needs in her marriage. Here’s how I would draw it up for her:
Step 1. Speak out- Jenna says, “Mark I have been feeling lonely and left out for several years now. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even expect you to talk to me and I’m really sad about it. This current dynamic is not working for me.”
Step 2. Set the expectations and draw boundaries- Jenna says, “What I need is for you to be more engaged with me and to help our more with the kids and household work. I would like for us to go out on a date at least twice per month, and I want you to plan it sometimes. I also need you to make a real effort to talk to me on a daily basis to check in on how I am doing and what I need. I also want us to see a marriage therapist to help us get things on track. I will give you the support you need here to be successful. If things don’t substantially change within the next 3 months, I plan to take the kids and move into an apartment. I hope you have heard me, and I hope you will follow through with what I need from you.”
Step 3. Follow through with action (if needed)- If Mark has made substantial changes, our tactic is working for the time being. Jenna must keep speaking out about her needs and giving Mark a large dose of positive reinforcement.
If Mark has not make substantial changes Jenna can say, “Mark, I have given you ample time to make the changes I so desperately need. At this time, I don’t feel comfortable living in a situation that doesn’t work for me. I have found an apartment close-by and will be taking the kids there this weekend to get settled in. I hope you will take this seriously as I am not willing to continue on in the same way we have.”
Real Change Requires Real Bravery
The reality of relationships is that we must constantly shape them to work better for us. Sometimes we have to be willing to rock the boat to get what we really need. If you feel stuck and unable to speak out, set boundaries, and follow through, get help. Chances are you need some support, coaching, and help with strategies to get the type of relationship you truly want. Please don’t settle for an unhealthy relationship. Those who do aren’t doing themselves, their kids or their partners any favors. We all deserve a chance to be happy and fulfilled in our relationships. Just remember, you’ll need a voice to make it happen.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships.
Are you ready for change? For more information on how Douglas Counseling can help you get on the path towards a happy relationship please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
