By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
Being “triggered” has become a buzzword in recent years. We are triggered by all sorts of stuff. Triggered by our boss, our partner, our kids, our family, even the dog can trigger us!
Why Am I Triggered?
You can’t totally avoid being triggered, it happens. The key is what you do after you feel triggered. Instead of operating in a knee-jerk fashion, give yourself a minute to think. While thinking, ask yourself the following question: What was it about what the person said or did that was so triggering for me?
When you stop to think this, you come up with a fairly simple answer: “I was triggered because I made it about me.”
It’s Not Always About You!
One of the most common mistakes we make is taking a situation that has very little to do with us, and mentally twisting it so it’s almost all about us. Maybe your partner gets short with you and shoots an angry remark your way. You think: “What the hell did I do to make them so upset?”
You rack your brain to come up with something you did or didn’t do to provoke such a response. Your first thought is: “How can their reaction possibly be traced back to me?” The question you need to ask yourself is: “I wonder what they are struggling with that prompted them to act like that?”
Image how differently you would respond if you thought like this. Instead of jumping in to react, defend, and ultimately self-protect, you could take a more curious approach to your partner’s action.
Curiosity May Have Killed the Cat, but it Can Help You
Taking a curious stance is key in having solid boundaries. I teach my clients to first think about their partner before thinking of themselves. That angry remark likely has more to do with your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and current mood than it does with you. No really, it’s true.
When you make someone’s actions about you, you get triggered.
When you understand someone’s actions are more about them, you feel empathy.
Understanding Builds Empathy and Empathy Builds Closeness
The more you understand your partner’s experience, the more empathy you feel for them. This is good! By seeking to understand your partner’s experience you take the focus off yourself. It’s much more difficult to be triggered when you are tending to your partner. The more we understand their experience the more we can help to meet their needs and help them feel better.
Reach Out for Help
If you have been triggered way too often and have found little success in dealing with things on your own, counseling is your best bet. Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples get unstuck from their negative patterns and work towards achieving safety and satisfaction in their relationships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
