By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
“I don’t even know how to talk to him anymore.” “Every time he brings up politics it sends us spiraling into an argument!” “We just don’t see things the same way.”
Politics and Relationships
Our current political climate has brought many previously unnoticed issues to the surface. One of the largest issues I see is the political divide in the couples I treat. I have had dozens of clients ask me about dealing with their partner’s differing political beliefs.
Recently one of my clients said, “What the hell am I supposed to do here?” “It doesn’t matter what I say, she has some rebuttal ready to shoot me down!” Another client noted, “I don’t know what happened to him, but I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore.” “We just see things so differently now.”
Politics has a knack bringing out the worst in people and if you’re not careful, it might just derail your marriage. While agreeing politically makes your relationship much easier, I don’t see this difference as a deal-breaker. If you follow the suggestions below, you can insulate your relationship from unwanted political carnage.
Step #1: Separate Your Partner from Their Political Beliefs
Who we are at the core is much different that the beliefs we hold. If you have come to see your partner as simply a representation of their political views, take a step back and refocus. Who is your partner outside of their beliefs? What positive attributes do they have? Do your best to see your partner for who they are, rather than what they think.
Our brains are wired to make associations, and viewing our partner is no exception. If we have come to despise members of the other side of the aisle and believe they are “terrible human beings,” our brain associates our partner with those “terrible people.” Work hard to avoid making thoughtless associations as the truth of the matter is usually much more nuanced and complex.
Step #2: Move from What to Why
Arguing with our partner about what they believe is usually a fruitless enterprise. Demonizing our partner for what they believe will only make things worse. The more we shame them for what they believe, the more they feel alienated and defensiveness grows.
I propose you move from what to why by making a real effort to understand why your partner sees things the way they do. I bet they have some pretty good reasons for holding such strong beliefs. This shift from what to why is key for gaining understanding.
Understanding builds empathy, and empathy builds compassion. While you may still not agree with how your partner sees things, at least you will have gained an understanding of why they have come to believe what they do. The more understanding you can get in your relationship the better off you’ll be!
Step #3: Take Stock in Real Consequences
Ask yourself the following question: “How much do our differing political views truly change the course of our lives?” For most, you’ll probably notice that your lives wouldn’t be drastically different if your partner’s party had their way, just as their life wouldn’t be so different if your party had power.
So many of our grievances are fought on a hypothetical battlefield and often have little or no significant impact on our everyday lives. Of course, there are exceptions. If your partner is planning a move to a remote mountain range to live in an underground bunker, you have some real consequences to consider. However, in most cases you will most likely find that your differing views would likely not lead to a vastly different existence.
Step #4: You Assign the Meaning, not Others
What does it mean that your partner has differing political views than you do? Does it mean you are incompatible? Should you just cut ties now because it’s impossible that you could actually get along and have a healthy relationship?
Please don’t let other people tell you what to believe. You need to assign the meaning to the situation. For example, your belief could be “I know we see things differently but that’s perfectly fine.” “I don’t expect us to see things exactly the same way and I’m fine with that.”
By assigning the meaning yourself, you take control of the situation. Differing political views doesn’t have to mean more than that. You see things from a different place, sure, but don’t make the mistake of reading more into it than need be.
Step #5: Acceptance (if you can)
How passionate are you about your political beliefs? If you are a die-hard political junkie and follow the news on a daily basis, you will likely have more trouble accepting different beliefs. If politics don’t play a central role in your world, you will be able to move towards acceptance of your partner’s views much more easily.
Remember that acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like the situation. Acceptance means you have come to a sense of peace about having differing views. Work towards accepting your partner for who they are, even if their views don’t match yours.
Get Help if You Need It
Arguing about politics can easily leave you in a negative pattern of interaction. The more you plead with your partner to change their stance, the more they feel alienated and hurt. This is the start of a destructive cycle and can leave each partner feeling unloved. If differing political views have led to conflict in your relationship, it may be time to seek help.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
