By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Many of us struggle to get out the right words when talking to our partner. We tend to say things that often fan the flames, instead of getting more of what we want. Not anymore!!
The following article will take you through some common examples that trip us up from time to time. I will show you how most of us say things (that totally backfire) and how to say things differently to get what you want.
Example #1 “Put Down the F#@*ing Phone”: You see your partner spending countless hours on their smart phone and feel left out and needing more attention from them.
You Normally Say: “You have been on that damn phone for the last 2 hours!” “Are you ever going to put that thing down so we can actually have a conversation?”
This statement is action-packed with criticism and sends a blaming message to your partner.
Say This Instead: “I feel like we haven’t been connecting much after dinner and I miss having more of your attention and focus.” “I would love it if we could both put our phones upstairs or turn them off and have some time to just talk.”
This gets you out of the back and forth about who is on their phone more (we are usually both to blame here). By using this method, you’re asking for what you want instead of fixating on what you don’t like. Using requests instead of complaints works like magic! Give it a try.
Example #2 “Where is the Love”: You notice the time between sex with your partner has gone from days to weeks. You aren’t happy with this new normal and need things to change.
You Normally Say: “I can’t even remember the last time we had sex!” “Are you pissed off at me or just not attracted to me anymore?”
Nope. This approach has absolutely no chance of working. It only reminds your partner of how disappointed you are with them and is the opposite of an aphrodisiac.
Say This Instead: “I have noticed that we have been less physically intimate lately.” “Having a healthy sexual relationship with you is really important to me.” “Are there things I could do to help us improve our sex life?”
Saying it this way shows your partner that you are not blaming them for the lack of sex and see yourself as part of the solution. Speaking out from the “we” instead of from the “I” shows that you are ready to help and value the relationship, not just meeting personal needs.
Example #3 “Can I Get Some Understanding”: You feel that your partner just “doesn’t get it” and you need them to understand your point of view to find true resolution.
Your Normally Say: “You just don’t get it!” “I don’t know how I can say this any other way!” “I don’t even know why I bother talking to you about this because nothing ever changes!”
If blaming and shaming are your goals, then nice job! If you actually want to get some understanding you better do it differently.
Say This Instead: “It is really important for me that you have a clear understanding of how I see this issue.” “Can you please hang in there with so I can try to explain this from a different standpoint?”
This approach has you brining your partner in for another try. You are owning how important this is to you and taking responsibility for trying another route.
Example #4 “I Need Some Help Here”: You feel like you are a one women/man show around the house and desperately need more help from your partner.
You Normally Say: “I do everything around here all the time!” “It sure would be nice if you could get off the couch and help me out once in a while.”
Do you really think this is a motivating statement for your partner? Of course not, all they hear is the criticism and disapproval that may backfire and have you feeling even more alone.
Say This Instead: “Sometimes I feel totally overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that has to get done around the house.” “It would be awesome if you could pitch in and help me out.”
This statement has a totally different feel to it. Instead of showing up as angry and critical, you are seen as needing help, which is a much better place to operate from.
Your New Approach
Think about how you normally approach your partner when you want something to change. Does your normal approach more closely mimic the examples of what “You Normally Say?” If so, don’t worry. Know that you have tons of room for improvement and probably have a much better chance of getting what you want if you can use a healthier way of communicating.
Have you been struggling with communication in your relationship? Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (561) 207-1903 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
