By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
You find out your partner has been unfaithful. You struggle with the myriad of emotions that flood one’s system ranging from anger to fear to hurt to despair. The process of recovering from this trauma seems insurmountable and you ask yourself “how do I even get started?”
One of the keys to affair recovery is having a plan. The journey ahead of you is long but having a roadmap can give you the hope you need to try. The following is a roadmap I have developed over the years by working with many couples attempting to recovery from infidelity.
My roadmap for affair recovery contains 3 distinct phases and specific stages in between. Those who have completed this program find themselves in trusting, happy and fulfilling relationships. If you are in need of hope, allow his article to help you start your journey.
Phase 1: Dealing with Emotional Fallout, Develop Healthy Mindset for Recovery, Begin Individual Recovery
The first phase in my affair recovery program focuses on dealing with the inevitable emotional fallout while preparing for the work ahead. The traumatic nature of affairs stirs painful emotions that have to be dealt with. If you can learn how to deal with the emotions, you give yourself the chance to move forward.
Developing a healthy mindset for affair recovery consists of learning more about affairs and dispelling many of the myths that lead couples to splitting up. You will learn how to set realistic timelines for recovery, seek out support, and learn the importance of individual recovery.
Personal recovery is a must for everyone no matter what choice is made about saving or leaving the relationship. In this stage you will learn skills needed to be a healthy individual including healthy self-esteem, boundaries, self-awareness, self-care/interdependence, and moderation. Once you have laid a healthy foundation for your own recovery you can move to Phase 2.
Phase 2: Making the Choice, Preparing to Talk, Finding Meaning
The first stage in this phase helps you to assess your current relationship. You will take a comprehensive inventory of the strengths, weaknesses, and needs within your partnered relationship. You will also learn about the different paths for your relationship, while learning about how each choice could impact your life. Making a choice about whether to stay or go is a huge decision and one that warrants deep reflection and thought.
Preparing to talk with your partner covers the needed mindsets and skills that you will need to employ to have productive conversations. Most couples dealing with an affair struggle mightily with speaking to each other and can often derail the recovery process before it even gets started.
The next stage of finding meaning through conversations is critical to a successful recovery. In this stage you will learn how to approach each other while asking the right questions that help you get at the heart of the meaning of the affair. Most couples dealing with infidelity ask the wrong questions over and over and this prevents them from making progress and healing. Finding meaning helps you to make sense of why this happened and knowing this sets you up for future success.
Phase 3: Healing the Wounds & Building a New Relationship
Healing the wounds from the affair consists of shifting from an individual stance to a collaborative stance. You move from saying, “this happened to me” to “this happened to us.” You learn a new way of relating to your partner that is born out of curiosity, kindness, compassion and respect. You move closer and seek to meet each other’s needs in ways you haven’t before.
The last stage in the program is building a new relationship. This stage helps you to learn how to shape your relationship in ways that work better for you. No longer do you have to sit by and watch your relationship regress. After completing this stage, you will have the tools to communicate in effective ways with your partner that actually work. You can assess and re-negotiate roles and expectations and build a future that is conscious and purposeful.
Ready to Start Your Journey?
Healing from infidelity is no easy task. Making the decision to get professional help from someone that has helped hundreds of couples restore their relationship is crucial. If you would like to learn more about how the Affair Recovery Program at Douglas Counseling can help you, please call us at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
